Country music is where my heart is right now.

I started watching Lost, but I decided to write first instead. It’s one of the times where I have something about to roll off the tip of my tongue and if I don’t get it down, I’ll lose it.

I rarely get to watch Lost anymore. By the time I get to sit down in the evenings I’m so pooped that all I want to do is sleep.

I have a lot of time in the car by myself during the week. At least a half hour to and from work every day, which amounts to five hours a week. I do a lot of stuff in there. Sing, praise, pray, talk on the phone, listen to my favorite songs over and over and over again. But one thing I do love to do is listen to country music.

I enjoy Christian music too, but I have to be honest and say that from time to time it gets a little old. I mean so do all stations, but there’s something about the Christian station that does bother me after listening to it day in and day out. The people almost seem too peppy sometimes like they are living in a fantasy world where flowers constantly bloom and people frolic in meadows. They’re voices are almost too peppy! Can I say that? It is good to some extent, I know – to have that spirit over your head all day long.

But let’s face it. It is not all flowers and meadows is it? Some days I just get darn mad at the driver who is riding my tail or the person who uses the turn lane to go straight. Hello??

And instead of hearing another DJ on WPER recite an “encouraging word of the day,” I just want to belt out a good old meaningless song!

And that is where I turn my dial and treat myself to a little country music.

I never was a country-lover growing up. Couldn’t get into it – songs, ranch-style living, movies, nothing. I loved (and still do) the city – the idea of a New York life living and working in hustle and bustle hearing the sound of my stilettos clacking on pavement with my starbucks coffee in hand. I just love it.

My ideals and ambitions have changed a lot since then, though, and while I still adore the thought of the New York City life, I feel as though my heart has moved into the country.

 Now I dream of raising a family in open spaces and going to football games on Friday nights with a cup of hot chocolate and a pair of furry boots on my feet, my kids bundled up in jackets too big for them and muddy foyers the next day with dogs running around the house spreading dirt everywhere.

It is funny how desires change over time…

Every day, usually in my car, there is a brief moment that I stop and remember my old aspirations…

Wanting to go back and go to a college that had a cheerleading team.
Wanting to become a dancer.
Wanting to move to New York and become a famous columnist.
Wanting to earn a degree in Physical Education.

Or

Even thinking that I will never cheer in that high school football stadium again.
Never do backflips for a roaring crowd.
Never go to another state championship – never decorate another locker for the hype.
Never practice pitching in mom and pop’s backyard for my softball games on Saturdays.
Never have another sleepover where I stay up late and giggle with girlfriends.

My car is where is where I dream and where I remember.

And country music helps me do that – even if just for a moment.

It also helps me unveil the fact that I will have so many more memories just like, or somewhat like, those above with my son. And it may not be my softball game that I pitch for, but he could be the pitcher for a game in which I watch and supply the team brownies for.

The game that I invite all his friends over to watch movies in my basement for.

The group of friends that I host a sleepover for and make cinnamon rolls for in the morning.

Country music brings me alive in a different way than Christian music does – a good, pure way though. A way for me to embrace my childhood, but get also excited about the future – my family’s future.

Growing up is so hard. And it is inevitable. But I am embracing it. Embracing being a mom. Embracing family-life. Embracing change.