There’s No Competition

I used to, and still sometimes do, compare myself to other people. That’s a real soul-bearing thing to admit, but it’s true. Baring my thorns is something I’ve learned and worked through over the past several years, learning that we all have them, and we all carry them, but choosing to work through them through this life to be all that He has destined us to be.

I’m not one for confidence. Admittedly, I don’t have any problems playing the imaginary banjo for my family or smiling for a photo when I like my outfit, but when it comes to corporate meetings and presentations, or any engagement where I have to speak for a length of time in front of people, I become composure-challenged. I am better at speaking when I know what I’m talking about. Or, more confident at least. And I’m sure it’s partly because it’s easier to rebut, respond, and communicate back on something I know about.

I’m particularly bad in smaller crowds where I have to speak with intent listeners. Even if it’s a group of peers I’m friendly with on a daily basis, I’m always worried they’re judging me or looking at me with opposition. I get all nervous and red and flustered. And my anxiety levels skyrocket through the roof. It really is ridiculous. I’m 28 years old. Why am I so worried about how people view me?

Over the past two years my life and heart have seen huge transformation. My insides have been turned inside out, and I have been gutted: spiritually and emotionally. I have learned some huge lessons and seen the Lord work in extreme grace.
While I still struggle on a daily basis how to talk in certain manners to those around me with confidence, my sense of recognition on the matter has increased and I am able to work through it better.

Let me call it like it is: I have finally realized that I am not created to be someone else. I’m created to be me.
There will always be people that have more things than me, do them better, and do them with more eloquence than I ever could. There are people who are prettier, smarter, skinnier, and more organized. There will always be. But I don’t have to compromise who I am so I can try to be like them. That’s them. And that’s great for them. But on the flipside, their weaknesses may be my strengths.

I have to face the reality that I’m just not a stay-at-home mom. And as much as I want to be one of those holistic mothers with organic ideals and living styles (on a smaller scale), I’m just not. I – BUY – PRE-PACKAGED FOODS. I – FEED – MY – KID – FORMULA. I – BUY – MY – VEGETABLES – FROM – THE – STORE. I – DO – NOT – GROW – THEM – ALL – IN – MY – BACKYARD. And so on…

I’m glad for those people who do cook every meal at home and exclusively breastfeed and make their whole meal out of homegrown food. And maybe someday I will be able to partake in some of those things, but for now I’m not.

And that is okay.

I am learning to love who I am and who God made me. And as much as I wanted to get my kid on a sleep schedule at one month, it just ain’t happenin’. As I mentioned in a previous post, Isaac and I are just having fun. We feed him when he’s hungry, let him sleep when he’s tired, and try to play with him as much as we can while still maintaining some sense of normalcy as adults in our busy lives.

I know God loves me. And even though I have messed up and I’m not perfect, he restores me each time and reminds me who I am in Him. His child for His molding.