A Remarkable Year

I figured I'd comment on 2011 since most people do this time of year: reflections on the past and ponderings on what lies in store for the future, mostly making resolutions (that are primarily forgotten after January's over).

As with every new year though, the promise ahead will be what we make it. Finishing unfinished goals, making dreams come true, sticking to plans, or perhaps not doing something that was causing a lifestyle of detriment.

I started a blog entry several days before Christmas. It was on being born again. I never finished it because I got side-tracked and busy, and didn't have enough time to bring it to a close. Talk about unfinished goals, lol.

My first reflection on 2011 is to thank God for being this. Born again. He is the creator of my soul, the love of my life, my whole being. Without him I am nothing.

My second reflection is to thank Him for bringing a second, new kind of life into my own. Our son, Levi. Isn't life amazing? Out of surrender to our old life comes a new life, a new birth, in Him, in the spiritual realm. We become his children. And out of the miracle of conception comes physical new life in bringing the birth of our own children.

Both, God-breathed.

With the re-found recollection of my soul's lost parts has come a love for the remembrance of my new birth in Christ, and an even deeper love for the birth of our son, who one day I pray will ask Jesus for new birth in his own heart.

2011 has been about birth, for me. With Levi coming into this world it has reminded me of so many things, but mostly about the birth of Jesus Christ and where it all started. For without Him, we would not be, our son would not be, and we would not have another "New Year" to start our recollections all over again.

I started writing a journal for Levi so he would know everything that happened when he is grown. I will leave you with a verse that someone gave to me for him, which is the exact verse that I feel reflect's Isaac, his dad's, life, and is the verse I'm going to record for him in the journal. Funny how God works.


And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.
– Luke 2:52


If nothing else in 2012, may we grow in wisdom and stature, and have favor with God and men through Christ.

There’s No Competition

I used to, and still sometimes do, compare myself to other people. That’s a real soul-bearing thing to admit, but it’s true. Baring my thorns is something I’ve learned and worked through over the past several years, learning that we all have them, and we all carry them, but choosing to work through them through this life to be all that He has destined us to be.

I’m not one for confidence. Admittedly, I don’t have any problems playing the imaginary banjo for my family or smiling for a photo when I like my outfit, but when it comes to corporate meetings and presentations, or any engagement where I have to speak for a length of time in front of people, I become composure-challenged. I am better at speaking when I know what I’m talking about. Or, more confident at least. And I’m sure it’s partly because it’s easier to rebut, respond, and communicate back on something I know about.

I’m particularly bad in smaller crowds where I have to speak with intent listeners. Even if it’s a group of peers I’m friendly with on a daily basis, I’m always worried they’re judging me or looking at me with opposition. I get all nervous and red and flustered. And my anxiety levels skyrocket through the roof. It really is ridiculous. I’m 28 years old. Why am I so worried about how people view me?

Over the past two years my life and heart have seen huge transformation. My insides have been turned inside out, and I have been gutted: spiritually and emotionally. I have learned some huge lessons and seen the Lord work in extreme grace.
While I still struggle on a daily basis how to talk in certain manners to those around me with confidence, my sense of recognition on the matter has increased and I am able to work through it better.

Let me call it like it is: I have finally realized that I am not created to be someone else. I’m created to be me.
There will always be people that have more things than me, do them better, and do them with more eloquence than I ever could. There are people who are prettier, smarter, skinnier, and more organized. There will always be. But I don’t have to compromise who I am so I can try to be like them. That’s them. And that’s great for them. But on the flipside, their weaknesses may be my strengths.

I have to face the reality that I’m just not a stay-at-home mom. And as much as I want to be one of those holistic mothers with organic ideals and living styles (on a smaller scale), I’m just not. I – BUY – PRE-PACKAGED FOODS. I – FEED – MY – KID – FORMULA. I – BUY – MY – VEGETABLES – FROM – THE – STORE. I – DO – NOT – GROW – THEM – ALL – IN – MY – BACKYARD. And so on…

I’m glad for those people who do cook every meal at home and exclusively breastfeed and make their whole meal out of homegrown food. And maybe someday I will be able to partake in some of those things, but for now I’m not.

And that is okay.

I am learning to love who I am and who God made me. And as much as I wanted to get my kid on a sleep schedule at one month, it just ain’t happenin’. As I mentioned in a previous post, Isaac and I are just having fun. We feed him when he’s hungry, let him sleep when he’s tired, and try to play with him as much as we can while still maintaining some sense of normalcy as adults in our busy lives.

I know God loves me. And even though I have messed up and I’m not perfect, he restores me each time and reminds me who I am in Him. His child for His molding.

Back to Work Thoughts

This is my first full week back to work after a short maternity leave and boy do I miss being home with little Leevs.

I’ve been back to work since November 14^th, but that week marked half days. And the week after was Thanksgiving, so I haven’t felt the effect of being a full-time working mom until now. Boy is it exhausting! Not only is it exhausting, but I miss my little lovebug desperately.

Isaac’s been watching Levi most of the day until he goes to grandmas at 3 o’ clock and I come to get him. That only marks the middle of what turns out to be a looong day.

I’m getting up anywhere between 5 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. now depending on when Levi wakes up. I have never been a morning person so this has been a shock to my system, lol. By the time I head to work I feel like I’ve already lived a full day. While I’m trying to brush my teeth and put on my makeup, pump, and change my clothes I attempt to be as quiet as possible since Isaac is in the next room asleep. Half the time Levi is cranky and fidgety so I’m dragging him from room to room with me with his bink hanging out of his mouth trying to keep him from making a peep. Not really that easy! He’s a good sport, though.

We have our routine, for the most part. Wake, feed, swing. Mommy gets the coffee brewing and her makeup on, pumps while Levi has some play time on his mat, and then I straighten the house a little, get dressed, and hand him off to Isaac. If it’s a morning where he has worked the night before he’s usually overly exhausted.

Though I get my time with him at night I’m jealous of Isaac’s time with him during the day. By the time I go pick him up from grandma’s around 5:45 p.m. he is ready to feed again and nearly ready to be put down for bed. I try to get a few minutes of “us” time in before his little eyelids droop him off the face of the earth, but it gets difficult since I have to shower, get something to eat myself, and do a little cleaning. Needless to say, some things have fallen by the wayside.

The night ends when I start preparing myself for another day…make lunch, get coffee ready, and prepare bottles for next day’s pumping at work. And I feel like I’m doing it practically as soon as I get home. The day needs about five added hours at least.

A new definition of the word pooped has been created in my household!