A Remarkable Year

I figured I'd comment on 2011 since most people do this time of year: reflections on the past and ponderings on what lies in store for the future, mostly making resolutions (that are primarily forgotten after January's over).

As with every new year though, the promise ahead will be what we make it. Finishing unfinished goals, making dreams come true, sticking to plans, or perhaps not doing something that was causing a lifestyle of detriment.

I started a blog entry several days before Christmas. It was on being born again. I never finished it because I got side-tracked and busy, and didn't have enough time to bring it to a close. Talk about unfinished goals, lol.

My first reflection on 2011 is to thank God for being this. Born again. He is the creator of my soul, the love of my life, my whole being. Without him I am nothing.

My second reflection is to thank Him for bringing a second, new kind of life into my own. Our son, Levi. Isn't life amazing? Out of surrender to our old life comes a new life, a new birth, in Him, in the spiritual realm. We become his children. And out of the miracle of conception comes physical new life in bringing the birth of our own children.

Both, God-breathed.

With the re-found recollection of my soul's lost parts has come a love for the remembrance of my new birth in Christ, and an even deeper love for the birth of our son, who one day I pray will ask Jesus for new birth in his own heart.

2011 has been about birth, for me. With Levi coming into this world it has reminded me of so many things, but mostly about the birth of Jesus Christ and where it all started. For without Him, we would not be, our son would not be, and we would not have another "New Year" to start our recollections all over again.

I started writing a journal for Levi so he would know everything that happened when he is grown. I will leave you with a verse that someone gave to me for him, which is the exact verse that I feel reflect's Isaac, his dad's, life, and is the verse I'm going to record for him in the journal. Funny how God works.


And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.
– Luke 2:52


If nothing else in 2012, may we grow in wisdom and stature, and have favor with God and men through Christ.

There’s No Competition

I used to, and still sometimes do, compare myself to other people. That’s a real soul-bearing thing to admit, but it’s true. Baring my thorns is something I’ve learned and worked through over the past several years, learning that we all have them, and we all carry them, but choosing to work through them through this life to be all that He has destined us to be.

I’m not one for confidence. Admittedly, I don’t have any problems playing the imaginary banjo for my family or smiling for a photo when I like my outfit, but when it comes to corporate meetings and presentations, or any engagement where I have to speak for a length of time in front of people, I become composure-challenged. I am better at speaking when I know what I’m talking about. Or, more confident at least. And I’m sure it’s partly because it’s easier to rebut, respond, and communicate back on something I know about.

I’m particularly bad in smaller crowds where I have to speak with intent listeners. Even if it’s a group of peers I’m friendly with on a daily basis, I’m always worried they’re judging me or looking at me with opposition. I get all nervous and red and flustered. And my anxiety levels skyrocket through the roof. It really is ridiculous. I’m 28 years old. Why am I so worried about how people view me?

Over the past two years my life and heart have seen huge transformation. My insides have been turned inside out, and I have been gutted: spiritually and emotionally. I have learned some huge lessons and seen the Lord work in extreme grace.
While I still struggle on a daily basis how to talk in certain manners to those around me with confidence, my sense of recognition on the matter has increased and I am able to work through it better.

Let me call it like it is: I have finally realized that I am not created to be someone else. I’m created to be me.
There will always be people that have more things than me, do them better, and do them with more eloquence than I ever could. There are people who are prettier, smarter, skinnier, and more organized. There will always be. But I don’t have to compromise who I am so I can try to be like them. That’s them. And that’s great for them. But on the flipside, their weaknesses may be my strengths.

I have to face the reality that I’m just not a stay-at-home mom. And as much as I want to be one of those holistic mothers with organic ideals and living styles (on a smaller scale), I’m just not. I – BUY – PRE-PACKAGED FOODS. I – FEED – MY – KID – FORMULA. I – BUY – MY – VEGETABLES – FROM – THE – STORE. I – DO – NOT – GROW – THEM – ALL – IN – MY – BACKYARD. And so on…

I’m glad for those people who do cook every meal at home and exclusively breastfeed and make their whole meal out of homegrown food. And maybe someday I will be able to partake in some of those things, but for now I’m not.

And that is okay.

I am learning to love who I am and who God made me. And as much as I wanted to get my kid on a sleep schedule at one month, it just ain’t happenin’. As I mentioned in a previous post, Isaac and I are just having fun. We feed him when he’s hungry, let him sleep when he’s tired, and try to play with him as much as we can while still maintaining some sense of normalcy as adults in our busy lives.

I know God loves me. And even though I have messed up and I’m not perfect, he restores me each time and reminds me who I am in Him. His child for His molding.

Back to Work Thoughts

This is my first full week back to work after a short maternity leave and boy do I miss being home with little Leevs.

I’ve been back to work since November 14^th, but that week marked half days. And the week after was Thanksgiving, so I haven’t felt the effect of being a full-time working mom until now. Boy is it exhausting! Not only is it exhausting, but I miss my little lovebug desperately.

Isaac’s been watching Levi most of the day until he goes to grandmas at 3 o’ clock and I come to get him. That only marks the middle of what turns out to be a looong day.

I’m getting up anywhere between 5 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. now depending on when Levi wakes up. I have never been a morning person so this has been a shock to my system, lol. By the time I head to work I feel like I’ve already lived a full day. While I’m trying to brush my teeth and put on my makeup, pump, and change my clothes I attempt to be as quiet as possible since Isaac is in the next room asleep. Half the time Levi is cranky and fidgety so I’m dragging him from room to room with me with his bink hanging out of his mouth trying to keep him from making a peep. Not really that easy! He’s a good sport, though.

We have our routine, for the most part. Wake, feed, swing. Mommy gets the coffee brewing and her makeup on, pumps while Levi has some play time on his mat, and then I straighten the house a little, get dressed, and hand him off to Isaac. If it’s a morning where he has worked the night before he’s usually overly exhausted.

Though I get my time with him at night I’m jealous of Isaac’s time with him during the day. By the time I go pick him up from grandma’s around 5:45 p.m. he is ready to feed again and nearly ready to be put down for bed. I try to get a few minutes of “us” time in before his little eyelids droop him off the face of the earth, but it gets difficult since I have to shower, get something to eat myself, and do a little cleaning. Needless to say, some things have fallen by the wayside.

The night ends when I start preparing myself for another day…make lunch, get coffee ready, and prepare bottles for next day’s pumping at work. And I feel like I’m doing it practically as soon as I get home. The day needs about five added hours at least.

A new definition of the word pooped has been created in my household!

Just Another Day at the Office

I thought about all the things I wanted to do and then shortly after decided to put them on the backburner. Moving forward, I have no time to spearhead this big project, which would essentially dovetail on the back of the last one I tried to implement.

I thought about reaching out, but ended up circling back because I didn't have enough bandwidth. The problem was, nobody kept me in the loop. And, not only was I unable to get down to the granular details, but I couldn't bring anything at all to fruition. I decided to super-check all my facts about everything before taking this completely off my radar, but before I knew it I was drowning in an overload of info-share. What happened to the back-end operation? I was drowning in my own list of action items! It was time to bring all hands on deck. But I wondered, did anyone have any availability?

After initiating a very long meeting to discuss our options, we came up with a list of best practices -- a sure-fire way to delight the client. For it was only a matter of time before we would bounce back.

 
I asked a colleague to build on what he thought was a good way to strategize our plan, but he couldn't get enough buy-in from upper management.

"Try to get people on-board," I said. "That's the key to a win-win."

"I'm just sensing a real disconnect here," he said. "I can't seem to get any real leverage."

After drilling down for 45 minutes we really honed in on key areas that needed work. We developed a list of core competencies and took some time to whiteboard our ideas. After all, our drop-dead date was literally by COB.

"I can't seem to codify any of these bullet points into a real outline," he muttered.

"Well, why don't we noodle on it for a while and focus on some areas that will really bring our functionality up to speed," I quickly replied back.

"That sounds good," he said. "I have a hard stop at noon anyway."

While he was gone, I couldn't help but do my due diligence to outsource my ideas to a turnkey organization. So, I held a kickoff meeting to get everyone aligned so we could put this thing to bed. I was glad that I was going to get real face-time with key stakeholders.

I held the meeting with a group of folks who knew what my vision was. And, after I ramped them up, I advised them to draw straws so I could assess their skill sets. If I was going to have any success in Q1, this would have to be a real soup-to-nuts kind of deal. But after the assessment was over, no one would take ownership. So, we eventually had to parking lot our ideas because I was going to be out-of-pocket for the next 4 weeks. So much for taking this meeting offline!

But before the session was over, I decided to find out what everyone's number 1 takeaway was.

And then, out of nowhere, my colleague stepped back in the room and muttered, "Are you kidding me? I was supposed to be tasked with that!"

Cutting Expenses

Isaac and I have decided to cut our expenses as much as possible. With a new baby in tow, accompanying costs, and things like ever-increasing condo fees we are acutely aware of the need to strategize our living style better.

10 months ago it was not as much of an issue. Fine dining and new luxurious items for the house was our game. Though we still had a desire to be fiscally responsible we were more carefree in our spending limitations and choices. Bonefish was a frequent on our visitor’s list and Marshall’s practically knew my bank card number by heart.

I have to say I have been surprisingly more restrained than I thought I would be. I knew I wouldn’t be able to buy clothes as often, or as many, and that eating out would be limited. And we recognized that coupons, discounts, and generic brands would be a good thing to pay attention to (not that I wasn’t a clearance-item-sale-rack person to begin with!). But these things all started to take a front seat once Levi came, not to mention making ourselves become more aware of the fact that we would not be able to go as many places as easily or burden public dwellings with a crying and hungry baby.

Home, I learned, would soon become my nest, a place that I now love more than ever.

For starters, we closed our gym memberships. I can work out at home with my new P90X DVD in the winter (woo-hoo!) or use the stroller to take Levi for a run in the summer and Isaac has been going for runs around the neighborhood when I’m at home.

Cable is gone. We now use the Internet and Hulu to get access to all the shows we watched through DirecTV, including the availability to watch full series of hundreds of other dramas and sitcoms we’ve missed over the years – so many it will be hard to keep up with!

I admit it is weird, to say the least, to not have cable. I liked coming home and having on Fox News in the background while I did my thing in the evenings. But the pros outweigh the cons and sacrificing it for a little bit of extra cash to go towards a doctor bill or Levi’s monthly health insurance payment is worth it.

There are other little things I can’t think of right now that we have released into the abyss of our less worrisome past, but I can’t think of them all at once. It’s just exciting to be a part of our growing future!

All Good Things Come to an End

I love blank pages of paper. Electronic ones. They make me excited because they give opportunity to endlessly write, which I don’t do near enough as I want to or should (to develop my skills). But something about having a blank page in front of me motivates me to no end.

This week I am back at work part time and then next week full time. We have a half week because of Thanksgiving which is helpful in transition.

I long for being home. Levi and I had our routine: get up, make coffee, turn on Good Morning America and Regis and Kelly, feed, play time, sleep, repeat.

Back at work I’m already into the same old routine – helping people resolve issues with clients that have resurfaced from months ago and wondering why it is so hard for them to do the same digging I do to find the information they need. Some things never change. The office is still bare, eerie, and quiet. Offices are spread out and I never hear much chatter just as before. I guess that’s a good thing, but it’s often too strange for words.

People are being nice asking about Levi and how I’m coping. They seem genuinely concerned for my wellbeing and ever since the word came out that I was pregnant, they’ve been ultra-supportive. I do work for a good company.

It is hard leaving something you love so much, but I am grateful that we do not have to put Levi in daycare and that he is able to be with his daddy and nanny during the day.

So, back to the old northern Virginia commute I go, except with a new added label: mom.

God as Governor

This morning as I was driving in my car I prayed that God would be the Governor of my life. I’ve never prayed that before as it just slipped out when I was speaking.

 

What a powerful word to describe his Mastership over our lives: Governor.

 

With the birth of Levi we have been governors over his life. He has no understanding yet to make decisions of his own and is too little to seek guidance from Christ to do so. So we, his parents, intercede on his behalf and ask that God guide us to guide him. It is a unique job and one that I often forget about as I am living daily life.

 

I often forget that Levi looks to us for everything even though he doesn’t know it. And not just to keep him clean, feed him, or clothe him, but to guide him in the way he should go (Prov 22:6 – Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it). If I am not living my life the way I should then the filtration to my son will ultimately impact him negatively. On the other hand, if I am living the way I should, a way that is holy and pleasing to Christ, then it will ultimately (a parent always hopes) impact him positively, with the end goal in mind that he will learn to make the right decisions from our Father on his own.

 

With all the busyness and messiness and craziness that being a parent brings I realized that I sometimes get so caught up in governing Levi’s new life that I forget who is really in control of both of our lives. And for that matter, my whole family’s life. I’m constantly going here and there and trying to remember what to pack him and how to raise him and what to do when he cries and won’t sleep. But I need to remember that even though I am training him, I still need to look to Christ for guidance with his life.

 

Thanks for listening to my therapeutic ramblings… :)

Boo Radley 2011

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When all the Hype Fades

It has been over two weeks since Levi was born. I cannot believe it. He is already growing out of some of his onesies and has gained one pound, per his two week checkup with Dr. Abbott. His feet and hands are peeling and we are starting to see a little baby acne around his face. His hair, dirty blonde, has already grown some and we joke about taking him to get a trim. I’ve cut his fingernails once (it was an attempt while he was sleeping) and we’ve given him two baths. He’s peed all over himself at least 20 times and I’m on my third batch of doing his laundry. Time does fly, as they say.

 

I already miss Levi’s first days of being born. I miss the hospital and being pampered by the nurses and annoyed by the lactation consultants. I miss waking up to his face in the morning and holding him in my bed and studying his arms and legs for the first few moments of his life. I miss being tucked away with Isaac in our room with just the three of us while we basked in the joy of our newfound love and took turns looking at him in amazement. I miss laughing at Isaac’s uncomfortable sleeping arrangements, a sad little pull-out chair stationed in our room. I miss ordering breakfast and taking a sip of coffee, without guilt, for the first time in nine months. I miss Isaac running to Bonefish to get dinner and bringing back bang-bang shrimp for a late night snack and I miss the way he looked after my needs more closely than he ever has in our 12-year relationship.

 

The affection, the attention, the care, and the love from those surrounding our camp helped build so many memories that I am already longing for all over again. Although it is still early in the Levi game, his innocence and the longing I feel for his frailty and inevitable dwindling need for dependence upon me is already burning a hole in my heart. At two weeks old, I’m desperate to relive the first time I laid eyes on him and for his tiny newborn hands and feet.

 

So, what’s left after all the excitement, the newborn buzz, the short-term attention, the baby fan clubs knocking at your door eager to see his cute new face, and a husband back at work? A desperation for establishing routine. Fatigue. A bit of loneliness. A longing for establishing some sense of the normalcy you once had. Nostalgia for all the aforementioned.

 

After all the hype, reality sets in. Someone has to get up when the baby cries at 3 a.m. because the nurses will not be there to do it for you. You become responsible for nurturing and growing this being you created. You stress about what the right thing to feed him is and when and if he is getting enough. You worry about his head bopping around in the car seat that swallows him and bringing him out in public because of germs and because he may cry. You wonder when the right time to put him in his crib is and how you should bathe him. And everything you read goes out the window because all you want to do is get him to stop crying at those 0 dark 30 moments, and you’ll do anything to make that happen. Anything.

 

Something inside yourself changes as you realize that your life revolves around this new person. That you no longer have the free will to do what you please and that your life is now centered around caring not for yourself full-time, but for someone else.

 

Yet even though all these things are settling in at once as a rushing wave over your head, this new person dependent upon you is yours to smother, to love, to look at, to raise exactly how you want. Suddenly you care less about your stretch marks and more about your baby’s coughs and cries and habits. You look at him 900 times a day and awake at every coo, wondering if he is ok. You dress him in cute clothes for your friends and kiss him on the cheek at every stolen glance.

 

When all the hype fades, it’s hard to face the reality of being responsible for a new life. But the long-term benefits that come with being a parent make everything worth living for.

Levi Robert Gresham

You know I had to post a blog about Levi: born September 29, 2011 (his Grandpa’s birthday) at 7:02 p.m. at Fair Oaks Hospital weighing 7lbs, 9oz.

I wanted to share some pics we’ve taken over the past few days of our first days as a family of three (still can’t believe I’m saying that) and type up a few thoughts about this new journey we’ve begun.

This whole process has been one of the most challenging events of my life – from being pregnant to going through labor and delivery, and now to being parents. As I sit here on the couch typing to you my son (so weird to say that!) is sitting in his bouncer sleeping with his precious scratch mittens on. He’s too little for it at the moment so we had to put blankets on each side of his head to prop him up. It was a sight to behold.

Although you hear many women say what an amazing experience giving birth is and how they can’t even fathom the depth of the joy of bringing to the world the little miracle they carried inside them for nine months, it really is the most amazing thing I think a woman could ever live through.

The way a baby is formed and fashioned from conception is a miracle in and of itself but then the way he grows and nurtures himself inside you on his own is something we will never understand. From feeling the first kicks to the hiccups and seeing the deformation of your stomach into various shapes and sizes are things that actually can be painful and weary to endure, but are rewarding and captivating.

While I did enjoy the firsts of all those things, it is definitely so relieving to be back to normal, albeit flabby. Bending over has never felt easier and a beer never tasted better.

The labor and delivery of Levi was very memorable as his Grandpa and dad and I waited six centimeters long in our living room. Unbeknownst to us, by the time we got to the hospital his birth was only seven hours away. That period of waiting at home, although painful, was relaxing to be amongst family and the comfort of familiarity.

I hadn’t the first clue what to expect with labor, but to my surprise it was not as bad as I envisioned. A woman’s body can do amazing things.

As Levi was being born into this world it was painful – although I was drugged it did not fully help. Of course at the time there is nothing you want more than for it to be over, but enduring what I felt makes my love for him that much stronger.

Laboring and the pains of childbirth are something no one can prepare you for, but also something you will never, ever regret. You feel like a champion. You can do anything.

And Isaac was a warrior.

On a final note, one last thing that has stuck with me through this memorable time is family and friends. The amount of love and warmth we have felt is overwhelming to say the least. Loved ones from near and far who came to visit made us feel so special. The time that each of them took out of their day and schedule to make the trip to the hospital, cook us dinner, or shower us with gifts is beyond what we could have imagined would ever be done for us. Each and every person who played a part in his birth is a blessing to us.

What we now feel as parents is exhaustion, busy-ness, lack of time and energy and ability, and constant worry. We knew those things were coming, but we had no idea just how much work taking care of a little one would be.

The rewards, however, of seeing him smile, studying his hands and fingers and toes, looking into his eyes, trying to figure out which features of ours he has, and holding, swaddling, and smelling him are far worth the energy it takes to raise him.

And most importantly, we are so grateful that he is healthy, happy, and full of life!

Pre-delivery!

Just born.

Mommy and Levi after delivery!

Grandma Weaver holding Levi.

 

Grandpa Weaver holding Levi.

 

Grandpa Gresham holding Levi.

Here are a few of my favs of Daddy and Levi.

 

 

 

 

Ready to go home!

Chillin.

Uncle John.

Aunt Anna.

Substitution

Yesterday I read an article from a blog I'm subscribed to and it was about the substitution of Christ. I had never thought about it before reading this article, but it occurred to me that there really is no other substitution for salvation and grace other than Christ himself. If there was, who would he be?

One earthly man cannot stand in for all human beings. It is clear that God is three in one: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And those who know that He is the only way to salvation know that the only reason He can be is because He encompasses all three parts. Not one man on earth nor one idol nor one book of prayer nor one religious ritual can match this.

Man alone, beings alone, humans alone, do not and will never have this power. The only "person" who can do this for us is Christ incarnate Himself.

"The essence of sin is man substituting himself for God, while the essence of salvation is God substituting himself for man."

Hello?

The very act of denying Him as our only Lord and Savior is a sin itself. For thereby we are placing ourselves on a higher pedestal than He and proclaiming that we do not need Him because we have atoned our own sin. How can we atone our own sin? We can't. We don't have the power and we never will. And therefore, we have no better choice than to surrender ourselves to His atonement on our behalf.

"Man asserts himself against God and puts himself where only God deserves to be; God sacrifices himself for man and puts himself where only man deserves to be."

This is a powerful statement. We think so highly of ourselves - so much so that we are convinced we do not need grace. And if ever we did, we'd find it our own way.

But God, in all His glory and compassion offers Himself as a living sacrifice and puts Himself where he does not deserve to be, in our shoes, to save us from ourselves so we don't have to do it.

Why would anyone not want this? It's beyond me because it's free...and painless. It does nothing to harm us, it only helps us and guarantees us eternal life.

Mariah’s First Soccer Games

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus

This morning I watched a powerful yet simple message on the GEB network. Dr. Rutland, the former president of Southeastern University in Lakeland, FL where Isaac and I both graduated, is now president of Oral Roberts University located in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And as such, he preaches during the chapel services there just like he did at Southeastern. Except now, they are recorded and played back on television for anyone to view. What a hidden treasure we found!

I miss Southeastern so much and watching his messages brings back so many memories. The sheer tones of his voice spark  memories of Isaac and I sitting in chapel listening to him preach one soul-soaking message after another. He is a gifted man, one of whom I know not many of, who can relate-ably strike the heart of one’s suffering or joyful inner core through the simple avenue of his own life-changing stories.

Somewhere along the line, he said today, people have been turned off by “church.” They don’t want to talk or have anything to do with religion. They have been burned, scarred, and disillusioned at the thought of the institution that they put it on the backburner and leave it for the wolves. Rightly so. The “church” can be a scary place to live unfortunately.

What about Jesus, he said? He is the basic essence of all that is. Have you seen him? Perhaps that is the mindset we should have while living on this temporary earth. He is all that matters. He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and His character, His being, is what we ought to focus on.

When you tell people about Jesus, about His transcendent glory, about the way He can heal and perform miracles and change the darkest parts of one’s soul to light in an instant, there is more than just the “church” to talk about. In fact, that has little to do with the church. Jesus, in all His glory, is all we need. Worshipping is not about how we feel or the “chills and spills” of our bones, it’s about glorifying Him and focusing our eyes and thoughts on His magnificent being.

There is nothing like Him. And dare we put Him in the middle of our messy lives thinking we have made a spot for Him. He is above our messy life. If we asked Him to come sit in the spot we thought we so brilliantly prepared for Him, would He not come waltzing in and say, like he does in Matthew 17:

“Peter said to Jesus, ‘Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish I will put up three shelters – one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.’ While he was still speaking, a bright cloud enveloped them and a voice from the cloud said, ‘This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!’

When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. But Jesus came and touched them. ‘Get up,’ he said. ‘Don’t be afraid.’ When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus.”

Just like Peter did with Moses and Elijah, so often we try to put Jesus on the same wavelength as our problems, our pains, our fears, our trials, our miserable little senseless, struggling, beat-over-the-head, traffic-induced, making-ends-meet lives that we forget that not only does He deserve, but He belongs at the top of it all. He is above all those things. He is all those things. 

How dare we think we are doing good by making a place for Him. He is higher than the places we think we have under control and try to squeeze Him into. His countenance, His face, His love is brighter and greater than we could ever imagine. And I believe that if we fix our eyes on Him, on His character, on His glory, we might surprise ourselves and realize that the church is really just senseless talk.

It’s all about Him.

Waiting His Arrival

I will be 38 weeks this Wednesday. It’s hard to believe that that much time has gone by and he is almost here. And furthermore, that I have been pregnant for nearly 75% of 2011. Actually that isn’t that hard to believe because it has been the longest nine months of my life!! But of course, one of the best sets of nine months of my life.

Now, we are just waiting for his arrival, whenever and however that may be. Thanks for all your prayers and love and support through this blessed time in our lives and for the past year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You Know How We Do”

I have been getting a little stressed about the baby's arrival and thinking about all the little things that have to get done before he gets here. There are so many things we need for him that we don't have yet: pampers, bottles, pacifiers, diaper genie, play mat, swing, etc. We still need to get the curtains and shelf hung. I need to pack my bag, I need to look up what I need to pack in my bag. Etc.

In addition to all these things I'm also worrying about how good of a mother I'll be and if I'll know how to breastfeed right and give him a bath correctly. I keep worrying about money and finances too and wondering how much all his needs and the doctor bills are going to affect our bank account.

I can imagine these are normal feelings for any mother-to-be, or parent-to-be, for that matter. It's a whole new ball field for us first-timers who haven't a clue what even scratch mittens were until just a few short months ago.

And then it dawned on me. Why does this have to be so stressful?

I'm trying to get everything into place for his arrival - lined up and in order and organized and washed and set just right. I'm trying. But I can't be perfect. It will not be perfect.

This is life. This is who we are. We're not millionaires on the verge of hiring a full-time nanny and I'm not going to be a stay at home mom. We are going to be tired and exhausted, normal human beings struggling to make it just like everyone else. And somehow, that comforts me so much.

When it dawned on me, the words "let's have fun with this" came to my heart. And then I excitedly shared it with Isaac.

I told him that I want to make this an adventure - another new thing that we're trying on (although when you try something on you can generally give it back if you want. No can do in this case, lol). But seriously, I told him, let's just give this our all and do what we do best, and that is to be us. Let's have fun with this!

And as usual, he had the most simple and comforting response. "We always do, hun. You know how we do," he said.

And he's right. Here I am getting wrapped up in all the logistics of new baby stardom when I'm forgetting that this is just another new and exciting adventure for us. One of the many we’ve endured over the years.

From the beginning, Isaac and I have always thrived on life and new experiences and letting the road take us where we felt God led. We've jumped in with both feet and figured things out together - and we've done so since we were 15 and 16. We practically grew up together and figured out this thing called life side by side. I am so proud to be a part of that.

My visions now of our life together include living in simple pleasures like reading books and going to high school football games on Friday nights as a family. Taking him on bike rides to 7-eleven to get a slurpee for a special treat and spending time together making cookies as opposed to watching too much TV. I want to plan to embrace our cramped living space as much as we can and learn how to make the best of our means. Not being a stay-at-home mom will make this hard, but I hope both Isaac and I can aim to at least try.

I do “know how we do” - and I love how we do what we do.

Since August 16, 2010

Facebook has a new notification box I just saw on the right hand side of the screen. It is laced with a spread that reads "On this day in 2010." And with that, it tells you what your status was last year on that same day.

When I logged in today it said, "On this day in 2010...Melissa Gresham practiced cartwheels on the grassy knoll during my run tonight. Perhaps I'll work it up to getting my backhandspring back. Or perhaps I will just break my back.”

I can't believe I was doing that just a simple year ago.

Can you imagine me doing a backhandspring now, or even a CARTWHEEL? Gosh, how much things change in just a year. All I have now are visions of myself panting for breath while WALKING up the slightest hill. Yes, the time has come for the last trimester.

What else was I doing a year ago?

We had just gotten back from our vacation in the Outer Banks I believe -- that lovely stay we endured at the Oasis Suites with Phillip and Carrie, and later were joined by John and Anna & Co. We all had our fair share of playing spades and drinking yuengling beer as I recall, and spent some time on the treadmill breaking sweats just before hitting the sparkling, bare pool. We bowled and ate dinner out and shopped. And some of us were, to some extent, more "free" than we are today.

Fast forward a year: I'm about to have a baby. Phillip and Carrie are married and making their home a nest for Phillip's two young boys. Mariah completed her first year of middle school, Daniel graduated college, and Tiffany got her driver's license. What a year will do and how it can bring such excitement.

As I ponder on this past year I wonder what I have done, what I have accomplished... How has this year changed or shaped me? Did I backslide? Did I draw closer to the Lord? I only hope to say that I have.

We planted our first garden with Pop's MAJOR help. Cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, and beans. Needless to say the tomatoes didn't turn out the best but the cucumbers were awesome! Also needless to say, with my pregnancy and Carrie getting married, we slacked off with its upkeep. It is a bit of a jungle at the moment needing some serious weeding. I suppose we are gearing up for fall now and the garden is on it's way to witherdom anyway.

I started writing for Manassas Patch, a local online newsletter, and managed to make enough in just a few short months to pay off our dining room table and buy some other small things I've been wanting like a replacement iPod and a customized frame for our wedding photo. Woohoo! (It's the little things, I tell ya.)

Mom and Pop have seemed to (mostly) get their upstairs room cleaned out - and declutterfy, if you will, a smidge starting with the storage areas, which I must say are fairly well organized now. They just picked a company to close in their porch and are working out the details to get it started. Let's hope it's done by NEXT year. ;)

Isaac bought a new car - Dodge Charger. His first American car. Need we say more?

Our condo fees went up like $25 a month. Go freakin' fig.

Pop is turning 60.

Casey Anthony walks free (for the most part).

Obama allows for more disaster in America.

Gas goes up nearly a dollar per gallon.

Lots of amazing family stuff happening while somehow the economy seems to be slowly going down the drain. Amidst it though, I feel peace. Peace among my family and in our homes - a comfort in reliance and stability.

I wonder what next year will bring...

The Prayer of a Policeman’s Wife

Every day that Isaac goes to work I pray for his safety: "Lord, protect him. Keep him safe. Send your guardian angels to surround him. Give him wisdom and good instincts." Or something along those lines, usually. And every day I pray it, I worry about him.

He works in one of the worst areas of Prince William County. Who would've thought fresh academy meat would be placed in the armpit of town? Although after writing it out loud, it makes perfect sense, lol. Rookies always get the raw end of the deal, don't they? I know he is doing a great job though, and he is learning so much. He actually said it's a good thing that he's in the "bad area" so that if he ever gets in a "good area" he will have more skill and experience to take with him than someone else whose first assignment might have been in a nicer part of town.

Being married to a Police Officer is scary. I worry constantly. And if he doesn't call me at 11pm like he says he is going to, I always wonder what he's up to that he couldn't call. Did something happen? Is he OK? Why couldn't he call? And usually, I remind myself that I just have to remember and trust that he's probably on a case and got busy.

As I've been praying for his safety ever since he got this job, I've been pretty much saying that same prayer that I mentioned before. Prayer for his general well being and protection, and for courage and wisdom. But the other day as I was meditating on these words again, I realized something: why not pray for the community that he’s working, too? 

It was a revelation from above.

Isaac will always be my first priority of prayer, but I imagine the people of his beat, the people he's servicing and protecting, could use prayer, too. There is so much hate, so much crime, so much violence right outside of our sheltered abodes that we don't even see it. And I get the info first hand.

We don't see the stabbings and gang fights and drug busts or the homes with dirt floors because most of us live in areas where we are sheltered by our comfortable, air-conditioned living spaces. And all we know are the concerts and restaurants we go to on the weekends and our four dollar and nine cent frappucinos and our fancy gym memberships. It's easy for us to go to Giant and pick up what we need at the store because we usually have the money in our bank accounts to do so. And I think these things are OK to enjoy because we are a God-blessed nation and God desires to bless us as long as we are good stewards.

But some of these people right down the street from our spoil-fests are stealing car batteries for money and dealing and smoking crack in their basements. They're stabbing people because their gang leader told them they had to and they're falling asleep at the wheel in their parked cars because they are too drunk to drive home from the bar.

They need prayer.

And who better to pray for them then the people in their own community? Doesn't God call us to pray for the unsaved and reach out to the needy? Even though they’re not in a third world country, I think they are needy. In need of grace, in need of healing, in need of salvation.

And so I will continue to pray for Isaac, for his protection amidst all of this chaos, but I will also try to remember to pray for the people he comes in contact with - the woman who has hidden weed in her pre-natal vitamin bottle, the man who was shot  because of his own choice at an attempt to steal and is now paralyzed, and people starting petty fights that cause public riots.

30 Weeks Preggo

Last Wednesday I turned 30 weeks pregnant. And what a trip it has been. Someone said today that poor people or sick people who have been as such their whole life go on living as if that's all they've ever known. I feel like being pregnant has become my own "way of life" much like sick or poor people, as it's all I've known for nearly seven months now. Thank goodness I do know differently though, as I'm getting to a point where I'm yearning for my old self back.

Being pregnant has been a journey indeed. With morning, afternoon, and evening sickness to bear along with a never-ending state of just feeling "odd," it surely has given me an appreciate for my health and my pre-pregnancy mobility to be able to run, exercise, and do all the things I once did on a daily basis. Now, I find myself struggling to get up off the couch with swollen ankles and hurting feet if I stand too long. I struggle to sleep well, and at that, get comfortable in my own bed.

Despite all the things that come with being pregnant, though, I really can't complain much. My pregnancy has been pretty normal and easy compared to some other pregnant folks I've known. I was blessed with no vomiting symptoms, my blood pressure and weight are normal, and I passed the Gestational Diabetes and glucose tests. And I don't really feel all that huge right now. Maybe that will change in a few weeks, or a month. I mean I do waddle, especially when I have to pee, but I don't feel that my center of gravity is so far out of control that it's ultra-hard yet to walk a flight of stairs or clean my bathroom. It is hard to bend down, but at least I have fair mobility at this current stage.

We finally got a crib and a few essential baby items, thanks to an old friend of my moms. Her son and daughter-in-law had two cribs for us to choose from, two small high chairs, one big high chair, and a pack n' play to give us. We were so blessed. Of course everything is sitting in baby Gresh's room at this very moment untouched. I am waiting for Isaac to put the crib together. Oopsie. :)

As this pregnancy draws closer to an end, I am now getting more nervous about the actual birth. Yes, of course I am also worried about having all the supplies we'll need, coordinating my time off work, and wondering if I'll really know how to do this whole "parent thing." But I'm more scared now about knowing when it's going to happen, or how I'll know if it's happening - where I'll be, what I'll be doing, and who will help me to get to the hospital. Will it be painful? When will I get the epidural? Etc.

I know that I just have to trust. And I pray every day - Lord, protect this baby, protect me, and let everything go smoothly, but according to Your will. And that is all I can ever do until the day comes...

 

The Perfect Day

Do you ever have one of those days, or afternoon-bleeding-into-evenings, that are perfect? And something about every way you move and breathe could not be better...?

...Yesterday we had a yard sale at mom and pop's. The night before I went to bed at 3:30 in the morning. I was partly waiting up for Isaac and partly engaged in a conversation with my best friend on AIM, which we NEVER do that late. I was excited about the yard sale and about the weekend, plus I am a night owl, and I just couldn't bring myself to hit the pillow.

Of course I regretted it the next morning when I had to get up at 6:30 to move stuff out of the house and into Carrie's truck to bring it over to to the sale. Or should I say to have Isaac move stuff out. Pregnancy has it's upsides!

As the morning moved along I got a second wind, got some motivation back, and got excited again. I love yard sales. Our yard sales. And no matter how much everyone in our family complains about them or says how much work they are, I know they secretly love them too. Even dad, who ends up moving most of our stuff and putting up the signs, lol.

It's not really about the money. I mean I only made $40. But it's about being with eachother! I just like having all of us together cracking jokes about trying to sell our ridiculous junk and exxagerating about how people will clamor to get in that we'll have to have buses lined up to control the incoming traffic. It's about the coffee and donuts we have before we start. Although this year there was no coffee and only muffins.

After the yard sale was over I was p-o-o-p-e-d. Sweat was a slobberin' down my legs and I felt like I had not taken a shower in weeks. Gross!

I came home, ate my $7 subway (what a rip, right?, and hopped in the shower. And after my shower I had the most peaceful four hour nap atop our freshly sheet-changed bed. The fan was blowing, I was clean, and I was out. It was one of those serene summer moments. The kind that should come along more often than they do.

When I woke up, the sun was going down and evening was near.

Isaac and I went to Bonefish for a late dinner. He showered too and put on his new polo shirt. I put on my comfy white pants, swept my hair up in a bun, and made my face. I adorned my ears with some silver hoops, threw on a cute cotton tank, and out we went.

I felt so clean and refreshed and special as Isaac took my hand and we walked to the car. And even though we love each other, I knew we both felt in love at that very moment. He looked so handsome and I felt beautiful.

Bonefish was so good as always. And of course we ordered the bang-bang shrimp for an appetizer. The restaurant was not totally packed, which made things more enjoyable. And the waitress kept my ice-cold water glass full. So refreshing for a pregnant person!

On our way home we stopped at Blockbuster to rent a movie and ran into Giant to get some ice cream. The rest of the night is history.

Could I seriously ask for a better Saturday? Not in a million years!

Talkin’ About May

We have had a lot of rain this month. I thought April showers were supposed to bring May flowers? It seems like April showers brought more May showers. We can’t complain too much here though because the grass is as green as ever (though growing at lightning speed). It has helped our garden sprout the beans we planted and the tomato plants are nearly wilting over that Pop had to put temporary stakes in them.

Aside from trying to manage the garden (Pop does a lot of watering and helping out when we don’t make it over), pretty much the same old is going on. I did plant some flowers on our deck, which I regret to tell you I think I may have over-watered (LOL), but they look beautiful. Went to Southern States with Mom last weekend and we picked a few together. She’s got her own batch going in the front of the house. I planted mine in pots. I bought begonias and petunias. They are pretty. Especially the purple petunias.

 

 

 

  

We also had a celebration for Daniel’s graduation on Sunday. He graduated from VCU. We had hot dogs and hamburgers and they were so yummy. The taste of a grilled hot dog just melts my soul. Anna and I saw Bridesmaids later that night, which was HIL-ARIOUS. You must see it, especially if you like dry humor. It was a smidge raunchy at various parts, so don’t take the kids, but it was definitely well worth the free ticket. HA!

(Notice the pic of Chip wedged in the bag. Mariah’s stepsister wanted to take him home with her and sneakily tried to stash him away. Little did she know he was going to get stuck in the zipper and require adult attention. Oops!)

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

I will be 23 weeks pregnant tomorrow! Here is a pic at 22 1/2 weeks. I seriously don’t look that huge. It is just the dress I say!