Paneras on New Year's Eve

(This was written seven hours ago).

Here I am sitting at Panera with my computer. I am supposed to be studying. That's specifically what I came here for.

But there's something about a computer at my fingertips, a cup of coffee, the window by my side and a night (many nights) of endless possibilities which make me feel so jittery inside that I can hardly contain myself enough to sit down and STUDY.

And no, the jittery-ness is not from the coffee.

These are the moments when I find my most passion and eagerness to conquer the world.

Isaac is away at work, as usual. Or at least it feels like as usual. He's been working a lot lately, opposite to my schedule. And so when I say endless possibilities I mean nights of freedom to myself to do what I wish.

I can't remember a time, other than recently, in our 10 going on 11-year relationship that I've spent so many nights without him. On the one hand it's nice for us because it makes me want to see him more and it makes me eager to see him. And it makes the times we are together that much more special. (It also gives me time to catch up on those girly chick flicks he won't watch with me :)).

On the other hand it stinks. I get lonely when I am at stores picking out household items by myself or when I'm in bed alone wishing his warm feet would rub against mine. Tmi? Sorry. Hee hee.

I don't know what made me go off on that tangent. I guess just being here at Panera's by myself alone, having all the time in the world, makes me think, and quite frequently. I've been thinking a lot in my "alone" times.

Being apart is also good for one other reason: it gives me time to focus on my studies and writings without feeling the pressure of having to do extra cooking or dishwashing. Don't get me wrong. I'm into my newfound exploration of my kitchen becoming a cuisine-making habit from new and old recipes. But I have to tell you the timing is a blessing for me to be able to focus on these goals more and worry about becoming Paula Deen or Martha Stewart less.

Those things I do want, indeed, though. And timing is everything. And right now, for whatever reason, God has blessed me with this time to focus without interruptions. So I am taking it in for what it is worth.

One more thought: I woke up today realizing that this is the first time in life I actually feel like I am working to accomplish something substantial.

When I was in my teens I wrote a list of things I wanted to do. Most of the things on the list included stuff like buying a house, buying a 4runner and losing 15 lbs. And some of those things I (and Isaac) have accomplished, like buying a house. Some of the things I am realizing, though, are just not feasible, like buying a 4runner. That's a major want and not a need. I can live without it. And I'm okay with that. I have come to accept some of these things.

But things on my list like writing a book (or writing in general) and becoming a personal trainer are feasible. And I'm trying to do them after years of putting them on the backburner.

I've also come to realize that God may want plans that I've made in my head to unfold differently than I would like. And just because they are not the way I envisioned them does not mean they are not good. In fact, it means they are better.

Becoming a dream is a reality I never thought I'd see. And by becoming I mean living it, breathing it and being known for it. There is still a lot to accomplish and a long way to go, but I'm learning as long as I put God first He will guide my steps.

Merry Christmas!

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Eve 2010

I've said it before and I'll say it again, this has been a great year.

Christmas Eve service tonight was I think, the best one I've been to yet. Although I was sad that Isaac wasn't there (as he was working), the agenda that Jeff and team at Clear River planned was awesome.

From the the Christ-centered Christmas carols to Zibby's prayer and the simple, yet passionate and ever-so-true message that Jeff preached made it a night to remember. At least for me.

I did miss my husband by my side. It was the first Christmas Eve we've ever had apart since we've been married. It was nice, though, to have other family around so that I wasn't alone.

Back to Jeff's message. He brought back the remembrance to our hearts of the true meaning of what Christmas is all about, and it was a great one. He said we can fill our hearts with things of this world: money, power, status, etc. but they will not matter in the end. Years from now when we are old and facing the end of our earthly lives, the only thing that will matter is our relationship with Him.

Jeff reiterated God's words that we can have all the earthly treasures we desire if we so choose, but in the end those things will not make us happy and will not secure a way for us into God's arms. The only way is to trust in Him and believe in Him. And believing is more than just a a notion. It means to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something. It also means to depend on.

May we worship in truth and, as Jeff said, instill visions of crosses in our heads instead of visions of sugarplums.

Merry Christmas!

I love tonight.

You, me, a movie.

Hot, vegetable soup boiled on the stove.

The laundry and dishwasher going while sinking into on our favorite couches.

Fallen snow outside our window painting the town white.

Hot chocolate - peppermint - in a red tin from Williams Sonoma. Rich and creamy.

The cat, trotting back and forth aimlessly on our cherry wooden floors doing dances for attention.

My nose, running from something. A cold, a virus, a bug. Tissues crumpled.

All the more warmth to be stored up for tonight while wrapped in the duvet, reading and talking about the future.

Manassas Patch

Hello friends!

I am writing to tell you of some very exciting news! Manassas Patch, "a hyper-local news and information site geared to bringing Manassas residents breaking news, insightful columns and event information as it pertains to their community" has just launched. And my articles are in it!

I can't believe I'm staying up this late to tell you about it - I'm actually sitting here thinking how fabulous it would be to nod off. But, I wanted to send an official email to tell you how excited I am.

Please check out the site: http://manassas.patch.com/ when you get a chance. It's a cute site, easy to navigate and fairly unheard of I think.

I met the editor last week for a freelance opportunity and she signed me up. In fact, she gave me my own column. The column is called "Fitness Forward" and it will be a regular are where I will post short blogs and commentary on how to stay fit and healthy in this working world. Check it out!

If you go to the home page all three of my articles should be on the front page - not sure why that happened. I think it's because they're recently posted. Anywhere, there's photos too.

PS - click on the "About Us" tab at the bottom of the website to read about the Contributors. I'm one of them! So exciting!

Hopefully this will be a great thing. I would love to hear thoughts and ideas on new articles to post from you. And as a sidenote, you can comment on my writings and also sign up for regular updates from the site.

Woo!

Ok...now I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed. My "real" job awaits me tomorrow. :(

The Fear of Death

I was listening to a sermon by Pastor Bob Perdue at Grace Life Community Church (formerly Old Dominion) this morning on my way into work. He just completed a series called "Fearless," which is based on Max Lucado's book. He preached three messages: Fearless, Deep Fears, and The Fear of Death.

The first message was a good base because it was a general introduction to fear: why we fear and how we overcome it. Bob talked about how perfect love casts out all fear, based on 1 John 4:18, and how God's love for us outweighs any fears that may come our way and how we can lean on that love and trust in that love that it will always be there to override our anxieties.

The second message was on Deep Fears and how we, as humans, sometimes have hidden, secret, or unknown fears that go deeper than the skin and into the heart. These fears could be based on how we were raised, something that might have happened to us when we were a child that causes us to fear today, or fears that are rooted in our genetic makeup when we were born ("I am ugly, I am overweight, I am worried about what people think of me"). These fears are often harder to overcome because they seep beneath the surface. They are often hidden and we are scared to open up about them, or even admit we have them. But his conclusion was that we are given the power to overcome fear. For as in 2 Timothy 1:7 it says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Despite our circumstances or our "feelings" we have the power in Christ to overcome and choose what is right and pleasing to Him.

The last message on The Fear of Death , which I am not finished listening to yet, was simply about how most of us, again as humans, are scared to die. And whether we like to think of the idea or not, we are all going to die one day. But his message was not to discourage us or leave us thinking about the idea of death, but moreso to remind us that we again, have a choice. The choice to be alive in Christ despite our earthly death.

There are four different types of people, Bob explained. The person who:
1. is physically alive, but spiritually dead. This person is living on earth, but has no real connection with Christ. They are not "living" as Christ calls us to do.

2. is physically alive and spiritually alive. This person is alive on earth and also alive in Christ. Amen!

3. is physically dead and spiritually dead. This person has died and ceased from earth in their physical body, and spiritually they are not with Christ either, as they never accepted Him as their Lord and savior.

4. is phyiscally dead, but spiritually alive. This person's physical body has died on earth, but their spirit has become one with Christ in heaven.

As a current, human being living on eart, number two is where I want to be!

Pastor Bob has been through a lot in his life. He's suffered through some traumatic events in and has coped with depression, anxiety, and disease. He has been tormented emotionally, and physically I imagine he battles more issues than his heart can bear. But through Christ and His redemption He found hope and he is alive once again, and though he may still struggle he has his Lord and Savior to help him. Because of all these things Pastor Bob has been through he is more relatable to those who suffer and struggle with issues similar to his, and others that come close. And as such, he can empathize and understand more than someone who "has it together."

Through Christ's love, His power, and through life in the Spirit, we have the ability to walk through this physical journey with this edge, knowing that when we die, He will resurrect our Spirit to live on with Him for eternity. And that is such a comfort to know.

Getting All "Wrapped" Up

I want to write a brief blog on this Christmas season, 2010.

Christmas is such a pressured season: everyone running around to buy things, so many at the last minute and without thought or care just so someone can "have something" under the tree. We run around to attend parties and banquets and shindigs and try to come up with something for the last minute gift exchanges at work. We get so "wrapped" up in the stresses that it brings that we tend to lose sight of actually enjoying it.

Since, as adults, we are the owners of the house, the leaders of the family, it's our job to buy the gifts, to wrap them, to make sure all is set for Christmas morning. We are not allowed to care about how we feel during Christmas nor are we able to stop and enjoy the sights because we are tying a little one's scarf or wiping a runny nose or preparing dinner inside for the family.

But as Christmas has snuck up on us this year I've been thinking, what really is Christmas? I mean, I know what it is. But really, what is it? Are we supposed to feel stressed and tired and drained and poor? I surely hope not.

I watch people and I wonder how I am acting around the holidays compared to them. Do I seem stressed, am I worried, amd I trying too hard? And most of the time the answer is yes.

I have to stop and wonder why. If Christmas is about the birth of Jesus Christ and the gift of salvation He brought with it, does anybody really ever have anything other gifts they need to give or receive? I would venture to say not.

But even though all these things are true we, as a society, like to give gifts and make people happy and pretend there is a Santa Claus and put up winter decor. Oh yes, we do. And I do, too. Christmas is a time when families gather together and relax and cook and enjoy the lights. It's a time for all to feel warm and needed. It's a great feeling and I wish we could have them more often.

As I drive to work each morning (I do a lot of thinking during this time, you see) I ponder a lot on why Christmas makes me so stressed and why people feel the need to get all "wrapped" up in the mundane-ness of it all. And as I ponder I remember a song on the radio I heard the other day called "Christmas Like a Child" by Casting Crowns. It's a simple song about living Christmas like children would.

I have become a little irritated, I must admit, about Christmas. It is so commercialized and there is barely any time to enjoy it before they are planning for Valentine's Day. So, I decided this year I'm taking a different approach. I'm going to enjoy Christmas like a child. I'm going to be excited about the Christmas trees and lights I see, the candles burning, the smells of cinnamon and sugar and spice scent around the air, and be wide-eyed, eager and fascinated at the whimsical dreamland around me because that is what a child would do. And...it helps me not be stressed. Why can't I be a child, too? Who says there's a rule and that I'm supposed to be bitter and angry and grinchy in my adult years. I plan to breathe it and feel it and take it all in just like a five-year-old would. And you should too!

Harvest

Today was a lovely Saturday. I got up this morning and was so worried about everything: studying, devotions, working out, folding clothes. You name it. I do that often. I get so antsy and stressed about everything I need to do that I often have a hard time relaxing. When something is not put in its place, when the floor has cat hair all over it, when I have 900 tasks on my to-do list I get my panties all in a wad and don’t un-wad them until everything is complete. I hate that I’m like that. I wish I could just relax and be sometimes. Isaac helps me in that arena, a lot, though. He “balances things out” if you will. If it weren’t for him telling me to constantly relax, I’d surely be gray-haired already. I hate that about myself!

Needless to say, I really am trying to worry less and relax more, sleep longer, enjoy going out even when I feel the house is a mess, and just generally try to not be concerned that things are a bit messy or if my daily regimen doesn’t go as planned. Because, what is that? It’s not life, it’s entrapment. I want to live!!

Anyway, having said all that I got up this morning, my two baskets of clothes still sitting in my bedroom, unfolded, and strolled on over to Pop and Nanny’s (i.e. Mom and Dad’s, incase you hadn’t guessed it). I was ticked that I didn’t make it to Old Town in time for the Christmas parade. I was pulling into town just as things had ended. Lots of people were still out and about, shopping and ice skating and such. My heart shed a little tear that I had not partaken.

I took a short two-mile jog at Pop and Nanny’s (my desired agenda included running with my camera up to the parade and snapping shots amidst the madness, but that clearly didn’t happen because I woke up too late). The hours that followed would be a sweet day filled with raking, leaf blowing, mowing, and prepping a new compost pile for our Spring garden. Yes, we are starting a garden! Hooray! I mentioned to Pop that I’d like to start one: grow some vegetables, herbs, fruits, etc. in his backyard. So Carrie suggested we start a compost pile, and that’s what we did.

Back when I was growing up, I hated raking or doing anything that involved yard work. I think that’s probably because it was a chore and I was more interested in playing with friends than doing any labor. I always wanted to finish things quickly and didn’t put any care or time into doing them. The only thing I sort of enjoyed was mowing the lawn, and only the Lord knows why. To this day, I still enjoy it. But no, yard work was not fun. It was soooo boooooring. Mindless, meaningless, huge, orange, leaf raking was how I felt about it, and the only thing that got me to do it was knowing that if I didn’t obey I would probably get a spanking or have to write sentences. OR get my light-up phone taken away. And I NEVER wanted any of those things to happen. So usually I would give in and rake or pick up the million sticks I was tasked with, in anger. LOL. Sorry Pop n’ Nan. Somehow, they muddled through my little bouts of terror and survived to read my writings about it.

But today, and for years now, I’ve begun to form a different outlook. Today was about family, about community, about helping one another and setting the stone for future home-making…in the comfort of my Pop n’ Nan’s backyard. I really don’t know if the seeds we plant will grow, or grow very well, but we will plant them. And if they do grow, I will love them and crop them and nurture them. I will stop by on my way home from work in the Spring time, till it, rip up weeds, water it, and eventually pick my own fruits and vegetables to cook with for my family. In this day and age we have so many things that are manufactured, boxed, shrink-wrapped, to-go, and picked right from a shelf. We don’t know how to create, to root, to develop on our own. I see so many and buy so much automated pre-packaged junk that I couldn’t even count. I don’t even know how to start or keep or harvest a garden, but this Winter, this Spring, and next Summer I will learn. And I’m hoping I learn to love it because I want it to become a developed mindset, a habitual regimen that I look forward to investing in each season. And through it, I want to develop survival and crafting skills. But more importantly, I want it to help me and my family keep life in simplicity. I want it to teach me to keep a bustling, working, society true to its core inception of understanding the farm and home life where life is not easy, but it’s easy. And where putting food on the table can be done in the comfort of one’s own dwelling and does not need to be bought at a store or in a ziplocked bag, pre-baked.

And I think this does not just apply to food and gardening, but I feel in my heart that we have lost life’s simplicities in all facets of our world: sewing, ironing, weaving, shucking, washing, methods of transportation, toys, forms of entertainment, etc. We need these innocent, simple pleasures back in our culture, ASAP. Come join us!!

 

 

 

 

Changin' It Up

Hey friends!

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I've changed the name and title of my blog. It's still under the same domain, for now, but I needed and wanted to make some cosmetic and technical changes to it. And while Climbing Back Up had significant personal meaning, it was time for a modified, maturation forward.

The title Climbing Back Up, if none if you guessed it already, signified a moving upward, a reaching higher, grasping to get back up to the top again. For as we all know and experience, we can go through lulls and lose sight of His purpose and His will in our daily walk. And which top was this, you ask? The top to where Jesus is. But what I realized and what nudged me to make this change, was that I was never at the top. And, I will never be at the top. We are always at a constant motion toward Christ, but we will never actually be all the way there with Him until we get to heaven.

So, I have decided a more appropriate title would be "Cross-ward." I think this is a much better fit not only for my own personal walk, but for a general baseline description of Christian idealogy. We are always moving "Cross-ward," not necessarily "Up." And why "Up" anyway? As I heard Dr. Rutland say in his message the other day on "Power not Power," heaven is not really up. It's not some place we arise up and float to, it's a dimension. And the dimension I want to be "floating" to is the cross, wherever and however that may be.

Since many of you get this blogpost via email, here's the direct link to the site so you can see the new look for yourself, if you're interested! Looking forward to many more blogs with you...

cross-ward.blogspot.com

Lesson Learned

Lastnight I taught my first Group Exercise Class to a handful of people at work. Six people, to be exact. A few folks had formed an Exercise Committee to "Fight the [Holiday] Flab" and so considering my interest in fitness they asked me to teach a Boot Camp class for anyone who wanted to participate. Of course, I jumped on it. I was stoked. I am stoked, as I am hoping these will continue for weeks and months to come.

But I sort of had a blow to my ego, a slap in my face, a feeling of foolishness come over me [insert anything else here related to the above] when I looked back to check to see how everyone was doing and marked beet red faces, dangling limbs, drooping eyes, and wide-opened jaws gasping for air. I even got a few groans and noticed a couple people mouthing the words, "Oh my gosh!!" to their neighbors. Apparently, I had made it way too hard.

The six people, which quite frankly was a pretty good turnout for a shindig like this, were from all different ranges and experience in fitness level. One had just had a baby a few months ago, so she was obviously just getting herself back in the groove of exercise, and another was a fitness queen. I knew she wouldn't have a problem with keeping up, but everyone else was on a different plane, their own unique levels.

When I was creating the routine it didn't seem that hard. I did get burnt out doing it a few times myself, but I still thought that the average person would be able to keep up. Little did I know that I would come to find out that I should have started much, much lighter. I learn to live and learn on trial and error.

I will definitely slow it down several pegs next time...but after all, it was a Boot Camp class. Boot Camp is supposed to be hard and challenging, and it is also supposed to push you. That's the only reason I ever got better, because I, myself, was pushed. But I learned yesterday that I've decided that what's important is that people should feel comfortable. I want them to not feel timid or shy or embarassed. I want people to enjoy themselves and to want to come back. I want them to feel good about themselves when they come in and when they leave. And I want my goal to be that modification is key. If a step is too hard, tone it down to a knotch that you can handle. Then, work your way up until it's more and more challenging for your own level until eventually you can do more.

But, at least I finally did it. I finally accomplished teaching a Group Class! Thanks to Carrie and Mom for letting me use them as guinney pigs. It helped so much! I think the hard work has only just begun in keeping it interesting, different, and challenging for everyone's own pace.