Goodbye, 2015.

As I sit here in my kitchen, that we've owned for all of 2015 now, I look out at the backyard and see a soccer ball nestled in the grass by the fence. The branches on the trees are bare and our NEW neighbors kept that hideous sun painted on the garage after they moved in. I miss "Jim," the guy who lived there before. I totally don't remember his real name, but that's what we called him. Jim. He used to sit out on his front porch and smoke cigarettes, greeting us nearly ever time we walked outside to get in the car or play in the front yard. It never failed.

He did yard work endlessly. And while Isaac was gone during the day and it was just me and Levi at home, it would comfort me knowing he was out there. Smoking a cig or mowing the lawn.

Not much has changed around these parts. We've made some interior improvements to the house, rearranged some furniture, and hung a few things. But for the most part the smallness of this house keeps us limited in our decor strategy.

Though small, we do love this house and everything it has to offer. It's coziness, it's obligation to force our close proximity, the front and back yards, the weird creaks and noises, and all of our routines.

In 2015, this house has seen a lot:

painful tears
smiles of happiness
goofy-ness
funky dance moves
singing concerts (only when one is aLONE, I might add)
laughs
admiration for one another
confusion about life and career paths
the pondering of God's mysterious plans
clarity
heartbreak
fear and anger
hurt
frustration
irritability
love
grace
shelter
prayer
sickness
health
new and old recipes
cookie-making
friends
family from far away
and much, much more.

Though it has been often been hard for me to admit and remember that God was good in 2015, He is. And He always will be. No matter how much I don't understand Him and His ways, He still remains good. And better than any other thing or god or spirit humanity tries to replace Him with.

To summarize the year, I would need to write all day as I have barely skimmed the surface here.

2015 was hard, in many, many ways. And there was some good, too.

Isaac re-committed to the Army.

I finally got my military I.D. Woo-hoo for trips to the PX and tax free shopping!

We bought a new mattress.

Levi saw his first movie: Despicable Me 3.

He also turned four. I turned 32 and Isaac turned 33. Apparently he's "middle-aged" now. This is what he tells me. And PARTICULARLY because I found a gray hair on his head the other day.

Mom and I went on three skillion shopping trips.

I took on more work, at work.

Isaac took on a trainee.

We bought a FAKE Christmas tree (the horror!).

I lost 13lbs (WOO!)

I realized that "he who does not weep, does not see." (Les Mis)

And that I missed writing.

And I love love love love LOVE One Tree Hill.

I realized that exercise is good. Any form. Even walking. But excessively, it can potentially be a harm, not a help, to your body.

I learned that as desperately as I may desire something, it will not always be granted. Even with a thousand prayers. But that it is ok to ask for the thing, directly. And that I don't have to dance around it.

That I can talk to He who hears, and He who already knows. Just like I'm talking to you.

We went to Miami for our first time ever, and Isaac surprised me with a trip to NYC for 2016.

My heart leapt.

I pray and hope my heart leaps many, many more times in 2016. Not just for a trip to my favorite city or Netflix and Hulu binge-sessions (alTHOUGH....hellllooooooo up and coming Bachelor and American Idol seasons, I have missed you!!). But for all the memory-making I know we'll do all over again.

May each old memory rest in it's past and each new memory made be done with Grace, Love, in Prayer, and in Peace.

Cheers to closing out 2015. Here's to the New Year!

Sitting by the tree.

Each Christmas season I sometimes get so overwhelmed with all there is to do, including putting up decorations, that what I really would like to do is bypass it all.

By the time I spend the time thinking about doing everything I've already expended enough energy in my head over it that I'm done before I even start.

The outside lights.

The mantle decor.

The tree.

The gifts.

The making a LIST of gifts.

The BUYING of the gifts.

The WRAPPING of the gifts.

The money to BUY the gifts.

The baking.

The parades (now THESE I do not mind -- in fact they're one of my favorite parts of Christmas).

Family events, gatherings, parties, services (another favorite part of the season!).

I mean, getting down the bins from the attic is a chore right in itself.

Exhibit A: Asking your husband that you'll need his help in climbing up there to search for stuff that is probably only halfway labeled, and labeled incorrectly, some in crumpled trash bags because you wanted to get the crap put away after New Year's, and quickly...

(..."yeah hunny, just look for the bags with the twigs sticking out of them, I think those are the ones. Yeah, that's right. Unless that's my fall or Easter decor. I'm not sure, can you just bring them all down? I'll sort through and you can put back what we don't need later"...)

..takes a certain amount of strategy and skill in knowing the right time of day, and the right mood he's in, to bring it up.

You don't just ASK out of nowhere. It must be planned and thought out.

Because we know that what they're thinking is that going up to the attic for 5 minutes, once a year, is painful.

Anyhoo -- here I am sittin' by the tree with all my crumple-bagged ornaments on it. Lights a twinklin'. And....it's pretty heavenly.

Despite the nuisance of it all, once everything is up it's pretty enjoyable to look at.

There's something peaceful about sitting by the tree, alone, at night, when everything is still.

Something magical.

I like to think I'm a kid again with that sparkle in my eye, hoping and wishing desperately for Christmas morning to come. Seeing what's in those packages and unveiling all the surprises that have taunted me for weeks.

I think we all need a little peace by the lights from time to time. To enjoy the stillness. To think about the day. And prepare for the tomorrows that always come without fail.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

One Tree Hill, you inspire me.

Nine long seasons of goodness. Gone.

I remember when I started watching it for the first time. I was all, "Woo-hoo! Nine seasons?! This'll take FOREVER to finish. It's only just the beginning."

But...here I sit. And just like that, in a flash, the series finale has come and gone.

I never knew such goodness in a TV series until this one.

Call me cheesy. Call me crazy. Call me weird. Call me whatever you want, but I fell in LOVE with this series. The kind of love where there characters become your family (lol) and you can relate to them and associate things in their lives with your own.

The many reasons I loved this show:

-the music.
-the quotes and literature.
-the bonds.
-the gathering places.
-the great loves.

It first aired 12 years ago, fresh out of the 90s, and really took me back to my high school days, which is another reason why I could relate so well to everything. They wore a lot of the same clothes and had the same styles of when I was growing up in those awesome days of puberty and acne development.

I also felt like it wasn't TOTALLY unrealistic. I mean it was to some degree, as every show is, but it wasn't done so overly dramatic that I couldn't find it believable.

Not everyone slept with everyone either. Which is why I also liked it. Shows nowadays have everyone getting together with everyone.

The loves and relationships of Tree Hill pretty much remained the same - and once a couple got together they pretty much stayed together, despite a few rocky roads here and there.

I don't want to recap the show here, or write a review really, I simply just want to relay how this show made me feel and what impact and inspiration it had on me.

The love of basketball and sports in this movie caught my heart. Kind of off-guard, too. I've never been big into basketball, but I think I'm going to get a hoop for our driveway now. So many good memories can be created with family and friends shooting hoops. And I don't just believe this from watching the show, but I've seen this and heard this from other family and friends.

Nathan and Haley's great love.

The way that Haley stood by Nathan to chase his dreams to get the NBA was so touching. It made ME want to be a better wife and mother. More supportive of Isaac's dreams.

The way Haley chased her own dreams in the process and the way that Nathan was supportive of her, too, just pierced my soul.

The way Haley was strong, raising a child when she practically WAS one herself, yet still doing all the things in life she wanted to do.

The way Nathan and Haley had ups and downs, but let their strong love for each other see them through. The way they were more passionate and in love with each other the more the years went on.

The way Nathan changed. For Haley. Because of Haley.

The bond of brotherhood between Nathan and Lucas.

Lucas and Petyon's great love.

The river court. The games played there. The memories made. Mouth, who started his dreams announcing games on that court.

The way Peyton confessed her love for Lucas in writing on that court.

High school.

Cheerleading. Brooke's love for it.

The lockers and halls and kisses in between classes. The basketball games and confetti after the championship game.

Watching Brooke grow into a mature and respectable woman. Finding her own true love and watching her become first an independent woman, and then a wife and mom.

All of these moments. These nuggets. These snippets of a non-reality storyline that felt so real, to me, touched so close to home, which is why I loved them so very much.

Which is why I loved the characters so very much.

Which is why I could relate to almost all of them. I could see a bit of myself in all of them.

Most of all, I loved their love for each other and how they let each of their selves change into better people. Watching them grow and learn from mistakes, watching them become wives and husbands, mothers and fathers. Being supportive of each other.

The conversations they had with one another were full. They talked about what they really felt and said, for the most part, what they really meant. They didn't leave much out like you wouldn't do in a real life conversation.

Finally, the love they had for their own town was what also inspired me. There's something special about the setting you are raised in. And even if it has changed, you still tend to remember it like it always was. And how certain spaces made you feel at different times in your life.

This is what a town does to you. You grow to know it. It's crevices, it's nooks and cranny's, the ins and outs of it's character, and the characters IN it.

You find love. You make love. You become in love.

And when you've got places like the river court and Karen's Cafe to help you along and relationships like Nathan and Haley's to inspire your commitments, life becomes a little more fun, a bit lighter, and full of love. The best love.

One Tree Hill has inspired me to write. To find the inner spaces of my soul and put them to work in my writing. To use past memories, music from my youth, passages from great authors, and stories from days gone by to dig deep within and breathe life into them again.

He is.

Some days, I wish I was a writer, a novelist. A teacher. A full-time fitness professional. A dancer, a singer, or a coffee-shop owner.

Some days.

Most days I aspire to be more. To cross the finish lines of the many projects and ventures I've started. The goals I've set out to achieve.

Most days.

Some days I wish I had something profound to write, and I could put pen to paper and let it flow. That it would make perfect sense when I was done and it be profound.

Some days.

Most days I wish I could travel the world - go to Greece. Visit NYC just once more. Touch it, just once more. Breath in the hot dog scented air and the steaming subway again. Most days I think about that trip to Tahiti I WILL take before I die. I will.

Most days.

Tonight...

I think about my life and how different it is than I ever thought it would be. How busy it is. How I have a son. A boy of my own who loves life and talks too much and sings like nobody's watching.

Tonight...

I look at my husband so proud of all he has done in this life. To see how he has changed and become a man of such honor. How he has become a father. How he has taken the path of his career into areas I honestly never thought he would. I thought, for many years, he would be a successful, suit-wearing business man living in a Penthouse on 5th Avenue. Suit-wearing he is. Penthouse, businessman-living he is not.

Tomorrow...

I will get up, pack my lunch, drive to work, send tracking information to clients I don't really care about and talk to salespeople who swoon over the daily cash report. I will go to a department meeting, workout at lunch, and visit with my girlfriends across the hall to my office who I've grown to love and mean so much to me.

Tomorrow...

I will not know what it will truly bring. If i'll ever accomplish any of those goals I wish for most days or the things I wish to be some days.

But I do know that tonight, I love. I love the life the Father has graciously given me. The family he's bestowed. The friends I'll visit tomorrow. And the relationship I have with Him.

Some days, most days, tonight, and tomorrow will always be what they are. But HE will be every day and for eternity, and He is all that is.

Settling, not settling.

I can stand to be one:

A better mother.

My heart is so full of love for my son that sometimes I don't think I can contain myself. His big blue eyes fill my own with joy. His hugs make me all warm inside. His minnie mouse voice makes my soul giggle. And the way he dances innocently around the kitchen to Kari Jobe music gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, he'll still be sold out for Jesus when he's on his way to Southeastern the college of his choice.

Every Saturday, unless we have previous plans, is our time to hang out together, because a lot of times Daddy is at work. It's our special time to spend together. To get chicken nuggets and pick out a toy. To go yardsale-ing with red Mimi. To wake up, in our home, relaxed with nothing to do but be together. I get my coffee, he drinks his juice, we snuggle and he watches Peppa Pig while I read or write. They are glorious days that make me truly wonder what heaven will be like. Because if heaven is anything like that, then I'm definitely looking forward to it.

But there are also moments when I think I'm going to go crazy. When he asks me things for what feels like 600 times in a row. And it's THE SAME THING. Over and over and over.

OR, he feels the need to tell me every detail about what he is thinking, or what he wants to do, or what he sees in the car. Truthfully, sometimes it drives me absolutely bonkers.

Sometimes I LITERALLY do not know how I will make it through another minute of his endless chatter. And I think, "And there is only one of him, some people have two and three and four!"

Goodness me, "terrible" two's were a piece of CAKE compared to the three's. Late three's, to be exact.

I'm not going to sit here and write about how hard this is sometimes, being a mother to a chatty three-year-old. But that oh, how gosh, I love him even through his tantrums. YES, that is a given. Of course I do.

But sometimes it is downright HARD and we moms need to scream at the top of our lungs for some straight up help in the sanity department. Yes, it would be harder with two, or three, but right now I have ONE. And ONE is hard enough as it freakin' is.

Especially one who is almost four.

God bless.

I need help. Serious help, when it comes to knowing how to do this mom thing. I'm doing the best I can, but boy is it hard.

The thing, honestly, that tends to get me through, is knowing that I AM his mom. That's me. Levi's mom. Trying to make a difference in his life. Raising him to be godly, pure, responsible, obedient, studious, and a righteous, sold-out Jesus follower.

Of course I AM more than a mom. I'm a human being. A wife, a daughter, a woman who has needs, desires, wants, and even guilts.

BUT, I'm also a mom who knows that my calling in life, right now, is to be just that: a mom.

I'm called to be a mother.

What higher earthly calling (than to first be a wife), could there be?

My job - my DREAM - is to nurture this little one. To fold his laundry. To bake cookies with him, with JOY. To watch him color. To give him a bath. To BE.....his mom.

As hard as it is, and as lonely as it sometimes is, I'm his mom. And that's totally and completely where I need and want to be.

Giving him love, receiving his love, and raising him to be a man of Christ.

Living a dream of many wants just doesn't do it. But living a dream to follow Him and be the mom I was destined to be takes courage. Courage I'm willing to go for. To sacrifice for. To settle for. Because settling, in this case, is not a bad thing. It's a downright beautiful thing.

#WhoWillYouBe

Who will you be?

I never really asked myself this question until yesterday when I received a gift card in the mail from Dick's Sporting Goods.

They found me on Instagram, out of the blue, and asked for my address so they could send me something in the mail. Thinking it was a scam, or SPAM, I direct messaged them my work address so they didn't have my home address.

Turns out it was NOT a scam and I received a physical letter in the mail with an enclosed gift card for $100. I was blown away!

I enjoy what I do as a coach and I love health and fitness. But I often wonder if I'm ever making a difference, if anyone watches my videos or looks at my posts that I put time into, and if I'm actually reaching anyone.

Yesterday, when I received that piece of mail, I was so inspired and felt so thankful. It was almost like God reached down and said "Melissa, I see you. Keep doing what you're doing." I was richly blessed and more motivated than ever to "keep doing what I'm doing." If no one and nothing else, than for my audience of One.

Enclosed in the letter were the words "You're a great example of #WhoWillYouBe" followed by a video.

I watched the video. I got chills. And I realized, women are freakin' strong creatures man, who FIGHT. Every day. For their husbands, their children, their sanity, their bodies, their passions, their goals and dreams, their health, and in some cases, their God.

Earthly life is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battle on a daily basis, I think, especially for women. With the demands of child-bearing and child-rearing, keeping house, planning and cooking meals, working jobs, and somewhere in between trying to fit in an aspiration or two, it is downright TOUGH. And the battle is not easy.

Take heart. We have Him. And He TRULY is all we need.

Who will I be? A fighter. A follower of Christ. A wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend and fitness coach who yearns to be a warrior and hear the pulse of Jesus.

Fixate-ing is Fun!

I really didn't like the word "fix" as it related to the workout program I purchased, at first.

When I think of the word fix it reminds me of an addiction and mesmerization on something other than Christ. For Hebrews 12:2 says "Let us fix our eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of our faith..."

I've noticed in my own life that fixing, or fixating, on anything other than Jesus in this earthly life journey can often lead down a destructive path. One that is misguided, irrational, and out of focus.

With that said, I believe that we can allow God to steer us down the path of life through His lenses and be able to enjoy earthly gifts while giving Him the glory and seeking Him through our choices. Remembering that He is the foundation of all our efforts and keeping a humble heart is what will sustain us through this life. Nothing we can do, or say, or accomplish means anything without the joy and purpose He brings to fulfill it.

Autumn's 21 Day Fix, 21 Day Fix Extreme, and Fixate cookbook all have a really neat framework behind them. They're all tested, and they actually work. The theory behind them? It takes 21 days to form a habit. So, devoting three weeks to simple nutrition and simple fitness through these programs will help form good habits and develop a healthy lifestyle for the longterm.

Simple fitness is found in Autumn's workout DVD's, but the simple nutrition part, which is KEY in developing healthy habits and losing weight, is in her portion control system which was developed to be used alongside of her workouts.

In this program, you calculate your calorie needs and based on those needs follow a chart that shows how many servings of vegetables, fruits, protein, carbs, fats, and seeds/oils you can eat per day. It's as simple as that.

After much excitement, popularity, and success surrounding this program, Autumn decided to create a separate, special cookbook to be used with this program, or with general nutrition needs, as a bonus. And so far, I'm loving it.

This blog post is not only to explain what Fixate is, but to share with you that I am excited about it  and WHY. And to tell you that I have been baking away!

Yesterday, I made four recipes! Two of them were actually from the 21 Day Fix Extreme Eating Guide, but they were similar to the ones in the Fixate cookbook.

The reason I love this cookbook are "SIMPLE:"

1. The recipes are simple and easy.
2. The ingredients are generally common things one would know and do not contain a bunch of things that are foreign (like Irish Moss - I mean where could one even FIND Irish Moss?).
3. The dishes don't take long to make.
4. There is a variety.
5. And they are pretty tasty!

A lot of clean eating cookbooks or recipes have tasteless outcomes, but all of the ones I've tried thus far in here are very tasty! And I say that any recipe your husband and kid approve is a win.

Plus, having the cookbook around the house and just looking at it makes me already start to feel healthier. Placebo affect anyone?

So, here are a few recipes I've put my hand to and tried out for starters.



AUTUMN'S BANANA APPLE MUFFINS: A hint of banana and apple make these babies the right bit of sweet and get me in the mood for fall!

TURKEY CHILI: I subbed ground beef for the turkey because my boys are picky and the beef provides a bit more flavor for them. 

HOMEADE SALSA: Chipotle anyone? That's what this tasted like to me! It was so delish! Sans jalapeno and I added a bit of lime juice. Mmmm!

TURKEY MEATBALLS: My heart leaped when I saw that these bad boys call for OATS (you can see them in the photo!). I added a bit of breadcrumbs also, to make them a bit more tasty for the boys. 

Guys, this stuff is so much fun. And not just because getting a new cookbook delivered to your doorstep is fun (which it is), but because I know I'm providing healthy choices for our family. And I'm not spending a boat load of time doing it.  You can incorporate this into any of your fitness/workout regimes at any time. Happy cooking!

Home is where the heart is.

The last time I remember writing a blog post on a late Friday night was in our condo on Handerson Place. Though I think I've written on a Friday night since then, something about that night sticks out. I'm not sure why. Maybe it is the fact that I feel some of the same things tonight that I did that night? Comforted. Loved. Filled. Cozy.

I miss our condo. To shreds. Though it smelled worse and worse like Sandy's pee at the end of our time there, it was always home. And we shared many things there together, Isaac and I. Our first adventure together as "homeOWNERS." Our first time becoming parents. Our first food poisoning event. The good (and bad) list goes on. Tears, fights, meltdowns, heartaches, joy, laughter, long nights. Smells of CURRY from neighbors below.

There's just something about certain places that will always stick out in your mind. Your heart. You can't forget them. And certain things that bring you BACK to those certain places.

God bless Handerson.

But, as life goes, we move on. We move homes. We move our tangible, earthly pieces of our living space to other dwellings. And we do this for the rest of lives until we find a place to settle in.

As such, we are not settled in to a long-term home yet, but we find ourselves back on West St where I grew up. Five doors down from my childhood home. The circle of life?

Isaac lived on this street too when we were dating back in high school in a small apartment, walking distance from me.

He and I both might be destined to die on this road.

In all seriousness, I never thought we'd end up back on West. Like, never. Let alone in the HOUSE we chose to buy. In fact, I did NOT like this end of the road at all growing up. It didn't seem cozy or homey to me. It seemed impersonal and too out in the open. No privacy and visible to a busy road.

But here we are. And here I sit, on a Friday night, writing in my living room in this house on West St.

And I can't say I hate it.

Though I can't say I'm in LOVE either. But I might be FALLING in love.

When we first looked at this house it was so grungy. Bushes were crowding the front stoop, dying and lifeless. The kitchen was a mess and the bathroom needed a COMPLETE overhaul. Did I mention we had no driveway?

But it was cheap. And Isaac made.stuff.happen with his painting and repair skills.

If I do one twirl in the hallway I can see every room in this 900sq ft house. This is how small it is people.

There is nowhere to go when one is mad. You can hear people pooping in the bathroom from all rooms, and one creak opening a cabinet somehow sends a signal to Levi's small ears that it's time to wake up.

But it's our house. Our precious home that we love dearly. Our grass is green in the summer. Our neighbors are friendly, and we basically have built-in babysitters.

Like every move we make, I shall be sad when we go. But the new memories we've made here warm my heart ever so.

Breaking Free

There are moments when I feel so excited about all the things I want to do in life that I can't imagine doing anything else but writing to get my joy out.

I'm not even sure really what I'm excited aBOUT, but often times I have so much brewing in my mind that I can't do much else until I write it down. Do you ever get that way?

I haven't blogged in a LONG time. I'm talking a year. And I'm not quite sure why.

I've been bummed about my blog site itself. The way it looks, the capabilities of it, thinking it's not very interesting or very pretty to look at. Who reads it? You know, the standard things we all think.

There are a million and one blogs out there so WHY would someone be interested in mine? I guess the key is to keep moving forward. To keep doing what I'm doing, and doing what I love to do. The rest, as they say, will fall into place.

God has placed a sense of belonging on my heart.

Often, I have a hard time knowing where I belong, IF I belong, or why I DON'T belong.

The thing is, I WANT to belong. Somewhere, to some THING, in some way.

The truth?

I belong with Him. To Him. All the time.

For years, I wandered around worrying about fitting in. Being on point. Doing things I thought everyone else wanted me to do. Trying to measure up and COMPARING myself to others' achievements, successes, triumphs, and even failures and weaknesses.

Gosh, was I doing life all wrong.

The Lord reminds me daily that I belong to Him. That HE is my Creator, He is my shelter, and that I need HIM, and Him ONLY.

Instead of looking for answers in things I don't need, or that aren't healthy for me, I have an awareness to look for them in the places I can find real shelter. In Him.

The Lord teaches me daily that my body is a temple and that I am to honor Him with it. That it is not to be abused. That it is a gift, from Him, to be empowered to glorify Him with it.

And He shows me daily how I long to help others, especially women, see this Truth too.

I can meal plan and work out until the cows come home, but if I do not do it with Jesus-powered self-esteem, a humble confidence, a quiet trust, and a pure heart, then I am doing it in vain.

I will NEVER, I repeat NEVER, be a size 2 model with long legs. I will NEVER be naturally tan. I will NEVER be naturally blonde. I will NEVER be 25 again. I will NEVER be perfect.

We have to be OK with this. Why? Because He teaches us to love Him and honor Him with our minds, our bodies, and our spirits. Because He is the only way. And because all of the worldly fleshly things we seek are but vapors, waiting to be vanished.

Fixing our eyes on heaven while we glorify God with our bodies on earth is a whole outlook I am beginning to explore.

God is revealing to me daily how much I need to love my body. The one He gave me. To love it's intricacies, and to LOVE and ENJOY exercise and nutrition. Not because I HAVE to, but because I want to. And because it's fun. And because I want to reach hearts and share the message that we are beautiful, loved, creatures.

The Root of Pain. The Problem of Pain.

I've been struggling a lot lately with the "problem of pain."

As C.S. Lewis puts it in one of my favorite quotes in his book "The Problem of Pain"...

"We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

I've been asking myself the same questions lately that non-believers often ask me, or make comment to me about:

"If there is a God, and He is so great and 'loves' us so much, then why is there so much pain and heartache and evil in the world?"

I think the answer is often simpler than one would like to admit:

He allows pain because of the "Fall."

While this is true that the very moment Adam and Eve ate from tree of evil the Father allowed pain, it doesn't mean a whole lot to the person suffering. I didn't - we didn't - eat from the tree of evil. So why do we have to suffer because of someone else's wrongdoing?

I really don't know the answer to this. I don't know the answer to a lot of things.

And because I had not yet really had a long-suffering in my own life, I now truly understand why other people have asked this question too.

"I'm a good person. I do good things. I pray, I go to church, I eat mostly right, I love my children, I work hard. Why do I feel like I'm being punished, tormented, and strung along? Why do I feel like I'm being teased and have a broken heart? If God loves me, why is He allowing me to suffer and not give me what I want?"

I. Don't. Know.

God allows pain because of our sin. Genesis 3 states:

13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

14 So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this,

“Cursed are you above all livestock

    and all wild animals!

You will crawl on your belly

    and you will eat dust

    all the days of your life.

15 And I will put enmity

    between you and the woman,

    and between your offspring[a] and hers;

he will crush[b] your head,

    and you will strike his heel.”

As my cousin put it in one of her own blog post, "writing is extremely healing for me."

Forgive my vulnerability and attempt at openness in advance, but indeed, while perhaps not a healing mechanism, writing is therapeutic.

I don't know why there is so much pain in the world. And I don't know why we suffer. And why if God is so good, so caring, so loving, and all things are possible (Matthew 19:26), that we followers of Him experience pain and suffering just like the rest of the world.

I wish that there was a deeper answer I could offer, from the Lord. I wish I could lean down, whisper, and tell you exactly why we go through what we go through, because I want answers myself.

I've been extremely hurt at times, "mad at Him" once or twice, and downright heartbroken - like many of you - I'm sure. The bottom line is, we are on this EARTH and we suffer. The earth was not meant for eternity. Heaven was. Earth is His creation, His land, His place, that He created for us to live until He comes to rescue us.

But He did not promise that there wouldn't be pain.

The only conclusion I can come to from all my readings and teachings and praying is that even though He allows me to suffer, to feel pain, to question Him, to wonder, and perhaps to worry, is that He simply wants to draw me to Himself.

He wants all of me.

He wants me to find Himself amidst the pain and suffering. He wants my heart. He wants me to find comfort and "answers" and safety in His ways and in His words and in His arms.

He doesn't allow pain because He wants us to suffer. I believe He allows it because He wants us to draw nearer, and nearer, and nearer to Himself.

After all, we are His anyway. From the beginning and to the end.

For Genesis 3:19 says:

"By the sweat of your faceYou will eat bread,Till you return to the ground,
Because from it you were taken;
For you are dust,
And to dust you shall return.”


"No doubt pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. it removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of the rebel soul."
-C.S. Lewis