Once in life.

Once in life you turn 33.

Your sister makes you a special cake (that's even your favorite color). You gather with family at everyone's favorite restaurant in town and eat greasy pizza that comforts your soul.

You open a few gifts that make your heart leap because they were bought with love. And you kiss your little niece who smells like toots and formula.

You laugh with your older niece. You "get" each other. And reminisce about her armpit catching fire at the last shindig at Mimi's.

You try to tame your son who has had too much sugar from the Paula Dean cake and is running around like a madman, dancing his moves to songs being played by Papaw in the background.

You take in your mom's hostess beauty, the way she never uses paper plates, and the way her candles are lit making the evening cozy.

A few days ago you were one age younger. One WHOLE age.

Today, you are that much closer to the end of your physical life.

And while you may not feel or look old to the rest of the world, you feel and look old to yourself.

For, just moments ago you were running in the backyard with neighbors who are now grown up too, some even going through their own struggles and finding their way back home again.

You were riding bikes and buying penny candy at the candy store that is now a tasting room for wine.

Moments ago you were getting your first beat up car and making $9 an hour at the local gift shop up the street.

You were doing back flips on the track at the high school football game and watching your boyfriend carry your cheer box back to that beater car.

You were at the prom wearing your custom-made, green shiny dress and glowing more than ever from all those trips to the "Aloha Tanning" booth.

You were broke, and in college, and in love.

You were walking down the aisle, letting loose tears of joy.

You were imperfect. Still and always.

You learned many life lessons. Including the true meaning of love.

You gave birth.

You felt a new kind of love.

You realized how important family was.

And that it's all that matters now. That and knowing Christ more deeply.

33.

Winter Wilderness.

Isaac and Levi are currently watching "The Chronicles of Narnia" right now.

I love this movie. It's one of my favorites of all time because it's whimsical and mysterious, beautiful, and captivating.

It is a reminder for me of Christ's love. His eternal favor. And the beauty of His breath.

It is a time when four children walk through a dark and gloomy forest, filled with temptation and evil, to find Truth.

Winter is a tough season to stay motivated, with just about anything.

It's cold.

It's depressing.

It's gray.

The sun is less present.

And everyone gets cabin fever and claustrophobia.

It seems that winter makes us internalize things more, too. Do a lot of sorting out, and in. With not only our feelings and state of mind, but of our closets and wardrobe. A cleansing, if you will.

In winter, I like wearing sweatpants and slippers. Drinking hot chocolate. Curling up and watching movies. Playing in the snow. Once. And watching The Bachelor and American Idol. These are a few of my favorite things!

Oh, and my birfday. Teehee.

But on a normal, every day basis, I just crave sunshine and long for the warm weather again.

A state of hibernation only lasts so long in my mind, and then one must open up to see the light.

I think this scenario sounds a lot like our hearts can be.

When we struggle and are downtrodden, weary, or burdened in any way, we hibernate. Close ourselves off and try to search for answers from within the Deep.

Sometimes, this is the best place to be. It's where the valley is, I think. It's the wilderness, where we find the most comfort in crying out for help because it's dark and we can't be seen. No one cries out in broad daylight, do they?

Although I do believe that "the darkness doesn't have any answers," I do think it can help us regain our strength to come OUT into the light.

The darkness, while it may be sad and lonely, is a place I think we often go through first before we become enlightened.

I like the term wilderness. Jesus was tested in the wilderness with temptation (Matthew 4:1).

We are often tested with temptation in the wilderness too. Of giving in to our flesh. We walk blindly, in the dark, seeking to find the pathway to our Savior. The pathway out into the light.

I'm going to start calling winter what it seems to be for me. The wilderness. A time to be sober in Him. To be alone. To get refreshed and become cleansed. To glean wisdom and understanding. To ponder and seek His everlasting Truth.

I pray to keep this promise. To seek Him during this dark and difficult season we call winter.