I'm not afraid to stop anymore.

I feel old saying that. And when I tell you what it pertains to you'll know what I mean.

I used to beat myself up when I went running. If I felt nauseous, I kept going. If I had stomach pains, I pushed through. But I don't anymore.

Yesterday, I went running and my stomach started hurting so I stopped and walked. It was quite pleasant and uplifting. The breeze to my face and the wind at my back I steadied my pace and slowed it down. If I had continued on, I knew it would have hurt worse.

How did I do it before all those years? I have.no.idea.

The fact of the matter is I think I was afraid to stop. I wouldn't have felt complete, my run wouldn't have felt thorough enough, and I would've felt like a slacker. It would have ruined my day.

I've come to the conclusion now that I don't need to be on the brink of hurling before I allow myself to stop. In fact, I enjoy walking just as much as I do running. It actually allows me the chance to pay attention to the houses and neighborhoods on our street, take in my surroundings, and be a little playful.

It makes me feel good that I'm not afraid to stop. That I don't have to feel like my whole day's joy depends on how hard I exercise. And while I do like to push myself, I also like to feel like I have enjoyed my workout.

God bless America on this Memorial Day! Off for my run... :)

PS - I made "Thin Mint Protein Fudge" yesterday. A little dry, but pretty delightful.

These are the balls of our lives.

Overwhelmed at 6:00 a.m.

There I laid...in bed...at 6:00 a.m. this morning, my alarm staring at me in the face on a snooze break.

I did not want to get up. All I could think about, which started the night before, was how much work I had accumulated in class on Saturday. I thought I was practically done?

Unlike me, I've been pretty much ahead of the game through school and after I finished my practicum I quickly got my e-portfolio together with all the required documents like they wanted. "Better to do it now," they said, "then all at once at the end."

Come to find out last night that apparently we have to have a separate documented lesson plan (even if it's the same one) for each block we taught, in order to depict separate reflections at the end. Sooooo stoopid!!

Don't you hate that? When you thought you were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and suddenly someone puts a big black veil over it? Dangit!

I'm telling you, I was seriously stressed last night. Not just from the thinking about redoing the lesson plans, but learning I have to add a Homework Policy to my Classroom Management Plan (not to mention find out what these other requirements are on the e-portfolio page). And I was also thinking about all the things I jotted (ok not really jotted. Who jots anymore? I recorded it in a note in my iPhone) down during class:

-Update welcome page and cover letter with Wellness Committee info
-Add updated resume and cover letter to e-portfolio
-Add cover page to classroom management plan
-Email all principals and avps of every county I'm applying to
-Email Tara, Sarah, Dee, and Uncle Time my resume
-Apply in Frederick County
-Add still shots to e-portfolio
-Add e-portfolio link to resume
-Not to mention, FIND A JOB! (Two girls in my class already have one. Depression!)

It just dawned on me that my Curriculum & Instruction teacher is the PE Supervisor of the entire county of Frederick. The county Isaac and I would like to live in some day.

WEIRD. And cool at the same time.

I was, I am, suddenly overwhelmed again.

You see, we had a panel of teachers from Loudoun County come to class yesterday. And after much Q&A it was advised that we email every school/principal in the counties we are applying to our resume and cover letter. I already knew this, and was planning to do it, but the thought of it overwhelms me. If I'm applying to six counties and it's already May, I need to hurry up. And six counties is a LOT of schools.

So, there I was in bed. Trying to peel myself from the covers and begin the day. But I knew it was only a matter of time before Levi was going to wake up. It was nearly 6:30 at this point. Would he let me work for a little while? One can never tell with this 1 1/2 year old.

6:45. There I am with my coffee, reading Psalm 18 and googling "The Prayer of Jabez." My sister always knows the right things to tell me when I'm feeling down or worried.

"Read the prayer of Jabez," she said. So I googled it because I don't have it. I should buy it, but in the mean time I found a scripture reference.

1 Chronicles 4:10

Jabez cried out to the God of Israel," Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.

Ok, if that's not a wake up call I don't know what is.

God is so good, even in the midst of pain and my struggling. And even though sometimes I don't know if I can make it from day to day on these weary limbs, I know He is my strength. And He always will be.

I semi-recouped from my pity party and did a little work while Levi watched Elmo. Thank God for Elmo.

Hopefully tonight I can get some more done since Isaac will be back from drill.

6:45.

"Mama."

And so our day began.

Here's some stuff I did around the house while Levi danced to his "songs." Don't you like his new pjs?

This was pre dance. :)

I finally hung these photos I purchased a while back in his room.

Ah...my NY pictures...

Mother's Day gift from Annie. Had to move it from the mail table because Levi kept pulling it down. This week, that's the truth. And the laundry keeps piling.

He's been napping since 11. And I feel guilty for not working out or doing stuff around the house. But I just wanted to read my book. And darnit, that's what I did! I can't believe I started it last week and I'm already this far. I can't put it down. It reminds me of OBX and makes me want to crawl into that alcove in the room we stayed in with the dimly lit lamp, blowing fan, and ocean air, and read until my heart's content. I can dream, can't I?



When he wakes up, I'll feed him lunch, clean up a bit, and then hopefully we'll head off to Marshall's.

Lazy Sunday for sure!

Oh and PS - Isaac surprised me by telling me he bought me a new computer today. Gosh how I love that man.

Sunshine-y Day

I need a new computer. Levi tore some keys off my keyboard, including the period button, and it's really hard to type! (Ahem, Isaac Robert Gresham if you're reading this...new computer please. :))

It is great to see the sunshine out again. The past few weeks filled with pretty much nonstop rain was a drag. Who knew light existed? Well it does. And it's beautiful!

Levi has been playing outside a lot these past few days at home in the backyard with either "dada" or Mimi. So needless to say, a bath has been in order every night. from the chalk and dirt residue stuck between his cute little fingers.

I've been drinking chocolate protein shakes for breakfast lately. The GNC Spiru-Meal ones. They're alright. Nothing to write home about. And after I bought it I read a blog post and was reminded of Sun Warrior again. So I finally did my much anticipated due research on it and I'm definitely going that route on my next purchase. All that's running through my head right now is: hurry up and drink the GNC stuff so you can get the good stuff! Apparently it's not grainy at all. Smooth as sand. Raw Vegan. Completely plant-based protein.

You might say, "What happened to your Shaklee shakes?" Nothing. I love Shaklee. But they replaced their Cinch line with something else I'm not very familiar with yet and they call them smoothies now, not shakes. Plus, I'm really excited to try Sun Warrior. And I'm getting a little more bang for my buck.

Last night I watched American Idol. I was glad I pre-recorded it because I could fast forward through most of the junk. What has happened to music? So much has gone down hill. It's not even music anymore. Even Mariah Carey stunk. Sorry, I love her. But it was not good. Was she even singing?

This week, I'm grateful for a few special things. A planned, unplanned night home with Levi. A work day home with Levi (today). The ability to rearrange a crazy schedule for some sanity. And sunshine.

Sunshine. Something smells so good about it. And it's finally, FINALLY getting warmer. Though July is my favorite month, I love the pre-summer months too, leading up to the dog days, because I'm reminded of what is to come...the heat that's about to set in, bringing on sun burns, sweat, and tank tops.

Here's to summer! Enjoy your day.

Fear for the future.

I've been every bit of writing on this blog lately, haven't I? It feels good to be back!

...

A few months ago, I announced to my boss that I was taking classes to obtain a teaching license for Health and P.E. I told her that the eventual goal was to get a position in a school system in the fall.

Her reaction?

"That's awesome! I believe every person should do what they want to do. You're young, you have lots of time, go for it. Just let me know what you need."

In my head, here's me: "Did she really just say these words?"

I thought her reaction would be that of disappointment and worry for our department. I'm so glad it wasn't. She has made this process, and hopefully soon-to-be transition, so easy for me. And while I continue in 28 North misery, I sing praises for my job and am so thankful for a supportive, helpful, and strategic work family.

Needless to say, I'm scared as ever for the months to come. She is putting out an ad for my position in June, and is beginning to tell our team of my hopeful plans so they're aware.

But, I don't have a job, I keep telling myself. And politely tell her.

She knows. And she's made it perfectly clear that if I don't get one, my place here is not going anywhere and I can stay as long as I need to.

Again, thankful for that. But still scared. I know my position is needed and important (it really is), especially since my teammate who does the same job I do is going on maternity leave in August. Talk about bad timing!

I know my boss just needs to prepare. I get it. But I'm still fearful.

I am glad that I have seen some fruits of my labor by responses from an important person I interviewed with a few weeks ago. I was 100% shocked that he responded after several days of not responding. Although vague, he has been nice enough to remind me that he's not one of those people who goes into a black hole after you meet. I am so grateful for that.

And frankly, I didn't think I made a good impression on him AT ALL. Which is why I'm shocked he responsded to my thank you email. I'm hoping something good, something very good, comes out my relationship with him that has started to form.

Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement during this process.

While I'm fearful of not finding a job, I'm also fearful of other things too: time-consuming lesson planning, classroom management, misbehaving kids. And the list goes on.

A beautiful song on my way to work this morning reminded me of something simple to keep in mind:

"You are all I need when I'm surrounded. You are all I need if I'm by myself. You fill me when I'm empty. You are all I need."

No matter what happens and no matter where I end up, He's all I need. Period.

Mother's Day Recap

Yesterday was Mother's Day. A day to celebrate moms. So that's exactly what we did.

Isaac bought me chocolate covered strawberries from Edible Arrangements. They were beautiful, AND yummy.

We also had a nice little cookout with family, which was followed by an afternoon of pampering with my sister and niece. Pedis and french manis were had, and I even sprung for a much needed eyebrow wax.

Levi slept right through the cookout (hello new record!) and didn't wake until a little after 4 when we we were already gone. He was a tired boy! And I think he was catching up from being behind on sleep a few days before. He does do that from time to time.

And did I tell you that Carrie made her first post-Michael's classes cake for our shindig? It was very wedding-y. And yummy, I might add. She done good!

Motherhood means a lot to me. Being a mother means a lot to me. There was a time, many times, when we weren't sure if wanted kids or that we were sure we could even have them. But God is good and He always makes a way. And now, I can't imagine life without little Levi and I already want another one!

He is a piece of work though, and is currently in a "drive-your-mom-up-the-wall" state. He is unpredictably cranky and if he doesn't get his "songs" (i.e. my old iPod which we now call HIS iPod  - what is the world coming to? A 1 1/2 year old with an iPod. Dang, we're softies), he throws the biggest whine-fest you've ever seen.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are those parents. Yes.

From newborn to toddler, I look back at his short life and cannot believe how much he has evolved. Like any child, the changes from baby to tot occur almost overnight. One moment I'm cleaning spitup off my shoulder and the next I'm chasing him around the yard with the wagon.

Time just goes too fast.

I cannot begin to explain what it feels like to be his mom. To simply hear him say the words "mama" and have a sense of need for me wells my heart with joy and pride.

You don't realize how successful you want your kids to be - or that you want them to be healthy or safe - until you bear one and raise one. And even then, this explanation still doesn't depict the true depth of how you long for their best until you see their beautiful faces for the first time and experience their exploring journey through their eyes.

I am looking forward to a million more moments as a mother because I have enjoyed all of the past. The ups, the downs, the sweet potato mush, the poop, the shooting pee, first haircuts, the dancing, the bedtime stories, and so much more.

Proverbs paints the most beautiful picture of wives and mothers. Though the path brings challenges and it is not light, may we women find our strength in these words, clinging to His wisdom and raising our children the way that Proverbs teaches.

I have bolded a few lines, which touch me the most.

Proverbs 31:15-31

¹⁵She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Conversations with my Father

"When was the last time you really talked to Him?" the voice in my head asked me as I sat there this early morning on the couch in my sunroom.

I was curled up in my warm blue blanket, nestled in my favorite nook, reading, as I do of late, and sipping my coffee goodness.

"Breaking Free" by Beth Moore has taught me this: my quiet time with the Lord has taken a back seat.

As she and I share stories on pages each morning I can feel and touch my Father. I am beginning to "find Him" again.

I'm not a huge fan of Beth Moore, actually. And this book hasn't been particularly captivating either, but I appreciate Moore's research and scripture references, and reading it has reminded me that devotion with Him is so important. What does life mean without conversation with our Father?

A particular passage struck me this morning. I don't have the book near me and can't remember word for word how she put it, but she explained a time in her life when her earthly father was having a stroke and she rode with him in the ambulance to the hospital. In that moment, she clung to her heavenly Father in time of desperation and fear. I imagine she cried out to Him for grace, healing, and comfort.

"This is what we do in times of desperation. We find ourselves calling out to Him only when we need help. And it was then I realized that I need to be talking to my Father on a daily basis as if He were my friend, not just someone to turn to in crisis," she said.

Those were not her exact words. But it's how I remember the passage in my head, and it sounds much better as a quote than a regular summary. :)

"When was the last time you really talked to Him?" that voice resounded.

If you ask my family, they'll you I've been so annoyed lately at everything: traffic, Levi's whining, the ANTS in my house, laundry, the rain, I mean you name it. And I know I've been nagging Isaac at every-little-thing that's not done my way. He's so patient with me.

God, teach me to talk to you.

This is what I need. It's what He desires. For me to talk to Him on a constant basis throughout the day as if He were my friend. Because after all, He IS my friend. The most reliable One I can have.

Perhaps if I was making Him a part of my every day routine, life would be a little less annoying.