I am who I am

For some reason when we get together with friends I always compare myself to them: what kind of cars, jobs, houses, clothes they have vs. me. I try not to, but it just happens without awareness. I think this is normal, to some extent. I mean we all compare ourselves to other people. It's what makes us human. It's what helps us realize that we are not perfect, or for some of us, makes us strive to meet perfection.

I don't know why I always do this. I have a bad habit of wishing for things I don't have and when I see someone with a nicer house or a nicer car or better hair I immediately start plotting ways to get them too. For years and years I wished I had picked a different degree in college. I don't even know how I was supposed to know what I wanted to do at the age of 20. Who does? And I can't help but wish we hadn't bought a house so soon, either. If we'd waited another couple of years we could have had a townhouse, or even a house, for the price of what we paid for our condo.

And then there's the matter of pigment. A little bit of pigment would have been nice to have instead of needing to lather on 9 pounds of loreal sublime lotion each night for a splotchy after-glow. Could I have at least been spared that? I blame Dad for the white-ness in this family. Or, how about the income? Some of my friends are making twice as much as me. They've nearly cleared out their student loan bills and are now trading those payments for remodeled homes and baby rooms.

My attitude has, over the past decade, been like this...pining for more and pondering and wondering what if, and why, and how come. And in the midst of this feeling-sorry-for-myself mindset I believe I've missed out on one, very important thing: I am who I am.

It literally dawned on me last Saturday like a light bulb turning on in the closet that the problem was me. And it felt so good to realize that it was. This was no revelation of my own, though. I believe that God divinely showed me this to help me. Isn't it truly amazing how when God shows you something you can actually get through it, but apart from Him it is the hardest thing in the world to overcome?

I have pondered for years why I could not accept myself the way I am. But, this is who He made me. This how He made me. I have thick legs and thin hair for a reason (no seriously). I have student loans because I went to a college (that wasn't exactly cheap, but I went). But so does the other 1/2 of society. I am upside down in my mortgage because I was part of the millions of other people who bought a house during the same time period as me, not expecting the market to crash. I don't make a fortune in salary working in some highrise building in the city because God has blessed me with the ability to enjoy working close to home and having a short commute right now. And he knew I needed it.

I guarantee you the people that we envy are envying us just the same. Those people who are making a fortune probably wish they had a closer commute and time to sleep. Those people who have a yard to mow and grass to water probably often wish they didn't. And the folks who have curly, bushy, hair always wanted it straight.

The grass isn't always greener. And, we are who we are. Let us revel and rejoice in God's glory for making us exactly how He wants us, and keeping us in His care for all eternity.