Paneras on New Year's Eve

(This was written seven hours ago).

Here I am sitting at Panera with my computer. I am supposed to be studying. That's specifically what I came here for.

But there's something about a computer at my fingertips, a cup of coffee, the window by my side and a night (many nights) of endless possibilities which make me feel so jittery inside that I can hardly contain myself enough to sit down and STUDY.

And no, the jittery-ness is not from the coffee.

These are the moments when I find my most passion and eagerness to conquer the world.

Isaac is away at work, as usual. Or at least it feels like as usual. He's been working a lot lately, opposite to my schedule. And so when I say endless possibilities I mean nights of freedom to myself to do what I wish.

I can't remember a time, other than recently, in our 10 going on 11-year relationship that I've spent so many nights without him. On the one hand it's nice for us because it makes me want to see him more and it makes me eager to see him. And it makes the times we are together that much more special. (It also gives me time to catch up on those girly chick flicks he won't watch with me :)).

On the other hand it stinks. I get lonely when I am at stores picking out household items by myself or when I'm in bed alone wishing his warm feet would rub against mine. Tmi? Sorry. Hee hee.

I don't know what made me go off on that tangent. I guess just being here at Panera's by myself alone, having all the time in the world, makes me think, and quite frequently. I've been thinking a lot in my "alone" times.

Being apart is also good for one other reason: it gives me time to focus on my studies and writings without feeling the pressure of having to do extra cooking or dishwashing. Don't get me wrong. I'm into my newfound exploration of my kitchen becoming a cuisine-making habit from new and old recipes. But I have to tell you the timing is a blessing for me to be able to focus on these goals more and worry about becoming Paula Deen or Martha Stewart less.

Those things I do want, indeed, though. And timing is everything. And right now, for whatever reason, God has blessed me with this time to focus without interruptions. So I am taking it in for what it is worth.

One more thought: I woke up today realizing that this is the first time in life I actually feel like I am working to accomplish something substantial.

When I was in my teens I wrote a list of things I wanted to do. Most of the things on the list included stuff like buying a house, buying a 4runner and losing 15 lbs. And some of those things I (and Isaac) have accomplished, like buying a house. Some of the things I am realizing, though, are just not feasible, like buying a 4runner. That's a major want and not a need. I can live without it. And I'm okay with that. I have come to accept some of these things.

But things on my list like writing a book (or writing in general) and becoming a personal trainer are feasible. And I'm trying to do them after years of putting them on the backburner.

I've also come to realize that God may want plans that I've made in my head to unfold differently than I would like. And just because they are not the way I envisioned them does not mean they are not good. In fact, it means they are better.

Becoming a dream is a reality I never thought I'd see. And by becoming I mean living it, breathing it and being known for it. There is still a lot to accomplish and a long way to go, but I'm learning as long as I put God first He will guide my steps.