An End to a Beginning

I'm not going to tell you that being a parent is hard because you already know that, if you are one.

We get up at 3 a.m. and wipe our kids spitup and drool and butts constantly.

Despite the horror of the first month of parenthood there are lots of pluses to welcoming a newborn, not just their cuteness and sweetness.

This week marks the official end of breastfeeding for me. And while it is a relief, it's also very sad. Nursing was my time to bond with Levi - to get up in the middle of the night and snuggle with him in my favorite blanket while I watched reruns of "The Hills" and "Lost" as he fell back asleep.

While I most of the time nursed with one eye open and a scowl on my face from being sleep deprived, I would look back the next day with warmth and gladness that I was, at the time, able to give that special gift to him.

Going back to work made it more and more difficult to keep it up, I admit. And when he started sleeping through the night and required less feedings, I selfishly did not want to get up every three hours and pump. So, invetiably, over the weeks and months my supply dwindled.

I often felt guilty, and still do, for not keeping up with it better. And I do think that if I was a stay at home mom I would have done it much longer.

For me, ending nursing means the end of a special bond. One that I cannot ever get back with Levi, or recreate. And while I found it quite miserable at moments to be out in public leaking all over the place, knowing that he needed me for for nourishment made me feel special.

I also feel like my role as sole supplier and filterer to Levi, has ended. He depended on me while he was growing inside me, and still he was connected to me once he was born, getting his fill from me, and most of the time, only me. This commitment, including pregnancy, has made it over a year long, and it does feel good to be "normal" again.

It is indeed bittersweet.

There is a feeling of freedom with letting this go. A liberty to eat what I want, when I want, and have as much caffeine as I want. Not to mention a glass of wine in the evening without feeling guilty.

He is a fast-growing boy now with no more newborn qualities. He is fiercely fidgety with a quick, erupting desire to crawl. I see him becoming a character more and more every day, purging his nursling ways.

I miss those days so much.

But I'm also excited to chase him around the house one day soon - to see the next chapter of him. To read him books and tickle him til' he laughs so hard it hurts.